Monday, August 31, 2009
Wow, if busyness is any sign of how awesome you are, then Bryan is super-de-duperly awesome!
But it's not. So that means Bryan is just an enormous tool face.
IN CASE we were to think he wasn't invited to parties (PLURAL), in CASE we were to believe that he would only get ONE lovely drink with Robert, in CASE we were to think he would only dance for a a FEW hours into the night, in CASE we were to think he has doesn't have church priorities and things to do, Bryan has clarified this for us.
This has got to me one of MY least favorite flavors of annoying statuses. We're dancin' and drinkin', too, Bryan. We just aren't full of ourselves enough to brag about it.
And a note to Cricket: stop egging Bryan on. This kind of behavior should not be encouraged. (Thanks for the submission, K!)
Whenever I trek to the gym and have an existential crisis regarding which appendage to work out in conjunction with my back, my instinctual reaction is definitely to inform my facebook friends about said crisis. So... thanks for that Stephen.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Christopher: What the hell are you talking about? And why are you wearing a pirate hat? And when did you and "today" start getting so intimate, what with the dick sucking and all?
Joe: There is this new thing on facebook called a WALL. Use it appropriately.
Christy: No one thinks you're cool because you, too, made a drug reference.
'Aunt Nan': If you look at your nephew's facebook status and it alludes simultaneously to marijuana and fellatio, DO NOT comment.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The key to success is to find out what motivatesz you in lyff, tell a bunch of bytchesz to fuck off, nd do yr tingg.
Fortunately for Exquisite, grammar isn't important in this conquest. Neither is a sufficient use of vowels. Don't know how to type? No problem! Just do what Exquisite does and drag your forehead across the keyboard while thinking of the words you'd like to communicate, were you fluent in the English language. Works for her, bytchesz!
(Thanks for the submission, A! We love you!)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I used to be a swim lessons instructor and one time a bunch of my little kids were being all bad annoying and running all over the place and not listening to me. There was nothing I could do, and I didn't really care, so I let them run amok.
Then Shirley pooped on the slide.
That is when I realized we had a problem. So we had to all gather round and have a little chat about good behavior.
I felt the exact way when I saw this post. I mean, I see annoying statuses all the time. But this one for some reason stopped me.
Gather round, kids, it's time for a little chat. Shirley pooped on the slide. I mean, Kate has broken the "most inane status update" record, and things can only go downhill from here.
WHAT IS THE POINT of status updates again? I think we've all forgotten, if we ever knew in the first place.
This was a great reader submission (THANKS, L!) It was so great that it makes me want more. Send us more, guys!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
At least when Gabriel was whining incessantly about his break-up, I understood what he was talking about. Now all I can gather from his status is that he kind of sucks, but if you fall on top of him his body can break the fall (?).
I think Honda summed up all of our feelings with his comment.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I love it when people make dumb announcements but then "don't want to go into details." You brought it up. Not us. Frankly, my dear, we actually don't give a damn.
Thanks for the submission, Kyle. We heart you. Now come on, y'all! Send us more annoying status updates. We know you got some!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Sorry this is so difficult to read. The content of the message is unimportant. You only need to see the part where Joe says, "MY BDAY IS TOMORROW!" And then will not. shut. up. about it. (And in some sort of sick Facebook malfunction, his first post kept on repeating itself on my update feed. By the end of the day, I wanted to give Joe a birthday punch in the ball sack.)
I hope to continue receiving quarterly updates on Joe's birthday status. ("I'M 24 3/4 TOMORROW!") Because you know that's the kind of guy Joe is.
Instead of ball sack socking Joe, let's send warm birthday smoochies to Tex, a part of the Walter triumvirate. Because it is her birthday TODAY. And THAT, my friends, is something I actually give a damn about.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
LOLjk no forealz, k? BRB. WUT?
Woah, check out Ms. Intern-pants over here. There are three reactions to an update like this:
1) I don't GIVE A SHIT.
2) I have been working my ass off to get an internship and now I FEEL LIKE SHIT.
3) Jaime, you're THE SHIT. (This is pretty much only Ryan, and possibly Jaimie's mom.)
But trust me, I am equally shocked about this. I probably wouldn't hire this person as an intern if SHE paid ME.
"Mom, whats that thing where your sword is really hot and then the blood doesn't come out when someone is stabbed?"
"That thing, where when your sword is like hot, you know, then you don't bleed."
"You mean like to cauterize?"
"Yeah! How do you spell that? No wait, I think I got it."
Monday, August 17, 2009
Okay, my bad for continuing to read a sentence that starts out with: "WOW According to my horoscope..." But Ysabel's bad for wasting 10 seconds of my life with this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad joke. Also, where the fuck did she get this horoscope? From some crazy person off the street? Anyway, I wouldn't be joking about not being able to make paper plans and shoebox dioramas, because that makes you sound (even more) absolutely retarded. Time to go back to kindergarten!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
This also marks the first post of a brand new category of annoying status, the celebri-status. In case you haven't already realized, Autumn was briefly on one of the classiest shows on TV. Her fame is still reeling in the facebook friends, apparently.
And Gerald, while I applaud your facebook call-out, can we perhaps think of a snarky response that wasn't originally produced on the 4th grade school bus?
Thanks for the submission!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Since I saw this post, I have been basically glued to my computer screen awaiting the genius that is sure to be Random Thought #3. Don't underestimate yourself, Sean. That shit's not random. That shit's DEEP.
Back to my REGULAR life, now -- the one where I don't dabble in love. (If only!) I more like, gorge. I'm a gorger. Then I purge. And then I sit around waiting for Random Thought #3.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Just a note to my friends and family: Please don't dedicate any Tim McGraw songs to me when I die. In fact, don't dedicate any songs to me at all. Don't write a farewell message on my Facebook wall and don't create a Facebook group for me. Just wear black to my funeral and eat some casserole at the buffet afterwards like tradition and good taste dictate.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Sheri: I love cherries.
Meg: Oh yea? Well I eat them every day.
Sheri: Oh yea? Well I eat other fruit, too and that's ALL I EAT.
Meg: I'm President of Fruit Land.
Sheri: I invented fruit and I'm Czar of Fruit Planet.
Meg: My DNA is composed entirely of vitamins and fruit.
John: I love black cherry soda!
Meg: John, you are going to hell.
I don't think this conversation is over. Will John have a comeback? Will someone else join in on this fucking mind-blowingly ridunculous atrocity of a conversation? Unfortunately, I won't find out because this was a reader submission, (THANKS, L!) so I am left to dream about what will happen next. Any ideas?
That's what you get, Douglas, just for trying to "heart" diplomacy.
*Also note, I realize that this is actually an annoying comment, not status, but you can deal with it.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Also, I think that Jill and this guy need to stop cramping my style.
Why was this in my update feed?
If this message was really intended for Lauren's husband, why didn't she post it on his wall? She obviously wanted everyone to see. Occasionally, I will see a post that wishes someone a happy birthday or congratulates someone on running a race or getting a new job or something, but that is different. That's giving someone props or a shout out for something they've done. If this is what Lauren was trying to do, she was giving props to her husband for being married to her, and I'm not sure that counts.
Also, Lauren: don't you, you know, live with your husband? So you could have, like, told him in person?
Monday, August 3, 2009
Chris came. He saw. He conquered. New York City will never be the same.
That's what Chris seems to think, anyway, after eating food and getting about as much sleep as my Grandmother gets. You're right, Chris. That kind of fun is countless.
While this kind of party boy lifestyle may seem unfathomable to you, it's just any old epic weekend for Chris. Let's take a look at the definition of epic, shall we?:
ep⋅ic /ˈɛpɪk/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ep-ik]-adjective Also, ep⋅i⋅cal.
|1.||noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style: Homer's Iliad is an epic poem.|
|2.||resembling or suggesting such poetry: an epic novel on the founding of the country.|
|3.||heroic; majestic; impressively great: the epic events of the war.|
|4.||of unusually great size or extent: a crime wave of epic proportions.|
Heroic? Majestic? Impressively great? Go ahead and call yourself those things, Chris. Because nobody else will.