Monday, August 31, 2009


Wow, if busyness is any sign of how awesome you are, then Bryan is super-de-duperly awesome!

But it's not. So that means Bryan is just an enormous tool face.

IN CASE we were to think he wasn't invited to parties (PLURAL), in CASE we were to believe that he would only get ONE lovely drink with Robert, in CASE we were to think he would only dance for a a FEW hours into the night, in CASE we were to think he has doesn't have church priorities and things to do, Bryan has clarified this for us.

This has got to me one of MY least favorite flavors of annoying statuses. We're dancin' and drinkin', too, Bryan. We just aren't full of ourselves enough to brag about it.

And a note to Cricket: stop egging Bryan on. This kind of behavior should not be encouraged. (Thanks for the submission, K!)


Gym/exercise related announcements are nothing new on this site. However, typically our hot-bodied gym babes are ladies... Stephen is here to change all that.

Whenever I trek to the gym and have an existential crisis regarding which appendage to work out in conjunction with my back, my instinctual reaction is definitely to inform my facebook friends about said crisis. So... thanks for that Stephen.

Friday, August 28, 2009


Ok so I understand that this status and all of its complexities are a little confusing, so I will address each individual party individually. You're welcome in advance.

Christopher: What the hell are you talking about? And why are you wearing a pirate hat? And when did you and "today" start getting so intimate, what with the dick sucking and all?

Joe: There is this new thing on facebook called a WALL. Use it appropriately.

Christy: No one thinks you're cool because you, too, made a drug reference.

'Aunt Nan': If you look at your nephew's facebook status and it alludes simultaneously to marijuana and fellatio, DO NOT comment.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


YOU'RE GOING TO DIE TODAY!?!? Thank GOD! Your Facebook status updates were really starting to annoy me. Finally, and end to the madness!

Oh, wait, what? OHHHHHH. Ummm, sure I guess I might be a little bummed for awhile.

(Thanks for the submission, M!)


Your facebook status should never be a trilogy, folks. This isn't Back to the Future.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Walter figures if Heath keeps updating his status' at different times, I will annihilate him... Anyone on here with me?

Note: I shouldn't be surprised by this, Heath has a history of posting about stuff no one cares about.


The key to success is to find out what motivatesz you in lyff, tell a bunch of bytchesz to fuck off, nd do yr tingg.

Fortunately for Exquisite, grammar isn't important in this conquest. Neither is a sufficient use of vowels. Don't know how to type? No problem! Just do what Exquisite does and drag your forehead across the keyboard while thinking of the words you'd like to communicate, were you fluent in the English language. Works for her, bytchesz!

(Thanks for the submission, A! We love you!)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I used to be a swim lessons instructor and one time a bunch of my little kids were being all bad annoying and running all over the place and not listening to me. There was nothing I could do, and I didn't really care, so I let them run amok.

Then Shirley pooped on the slide.

That is when I realized we had a problem. So we had to all gather round and have a little chat about good behavior.

I felt the exact way when I saw this post. I mean, I see annoying statuses all the time. But this one for some reason stopped me.

Gather round, kids, it's time for a little chat. Shirley pooped on the slide. I mean, Kate has broken the "most inane status update" record, and things can only go downhill from here.

WHAT IS THE POINT of status updates again? I think we've all forgotten, if we ever knew in the first place.

This was a great reader submission (THANKS, L!) It was so great that it makes me want more. Send us more, guys!

Monday, August 24, 2009


Ummm... Tracy thought she was writing a personal message to her one night stand. But she was actually writing a status update. This technically does not belong on this blog. This update KICKS ASS.

But for the fist time ever, Walter is speechless.


So wait, I'm dreaming from yesterday? Or living? And I die tomorrow? What? I AM DRUNK RIGHT NOW! I can't be expected to understand this nonsense. NEXT!

Friday, August 21, 2009


The rumors are true. Gabriel is back and ready for more. We all thought (hoped) that the lil' self-loathing and sappy son-of-a-bitch would back off once the break-up storm settled, but no.

At least when Gabriel was whining incessantly about his break-up, I understood what he was talking about. Now all I can gather from his status is that he kind of sucks, but if you fall on top of him his body can break the fall (?).

I think Honda summed up all of our feelings with his comment.


Our anonymous submitter asks, "Doesn't the Italian chateau you ceaselessly post about have air conditioning? It must. Or! Wait! Was this a clever little attempt to subtly remind us without ACTUALLY reminding us that you've married a professional athlete and you're living off his paycheques in Europe?"

Life is tough when your friends are too stupid to realize they should be in awe of you. How else are you to find pleasure in life if you can't get the praise you deserve?

Thursday, August 20, 2009


We like Kyle because he is an asshole. And I mean that in the best way possible. Some people may have read Ashley's status and thought, "annnnnoyyyinnnnggggggggg..." and then continued with their day. But not Kyle -- he doesn't let this shit fly and is all up in Ashley's business.

I love it when people make dumb announcements but then "don't want to go into details." You brought it up. Not us. Frankly, my dear, we actually don't give a damn.

Thanks for the submission, Kyle. We heart you. Now come on, y'all! Send us more annoying status updates. We know you got some!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Sorry this is so difficult to read. The content of the message is unimportant. You only need to see the part where Joe says, "MY BDAY IS TOMORROW!" And then will not. shut. up. about it. (And in some sort of sick Facebook malfunction, his first post kept on repeating itself on my update feed. By the end of the day, I wanted to give Joe a birthday punch in the ball sack.)

I hope to continue receiving quarterly updates on Joe's birthday status. ("I'M 24 3/4 TOMORROW!") Because you know that's the kind of guy Joe is.

Instead of ball sack socking Joe, let's send warm birthday smoochies to Tex, a part of the Walter triumvirate. Because it is her birthday TODAY. And THAT, my friends, is something I actually give a damn about.


Did anyone ask?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


LOLjk no forealz, k? BRB. WUT?

Woah, check out Ms. Intern-pants over here. There are three reactions to an update like this:

1) I don't GIVE A SHIT.
2) I have been working my ass off to get an internship and now I FEEL LIKE SHIT.
3) Jaime, you're THE SHIT. (This is pretty much only Ryan, and possibly Jaimie's mom.)


But trust me, I am equally shocked about this. I probably wouldn't hire this person as an intern if SHE paid ME.


So what you can't see about this post is that these two lil' spitfires have the same last name. That's right, they're brothers. Mom must be so proud.

"Mom, whats that thing where your sword is really hot and then the blood doesn't come out when someone is stabbed?"
"That thing, where when your sword is like hot, you know, then you don't bleed."
"You mean like to cauterize?"
"Yeah! How do you spell that? No wait, I think I got it."


Sometimes after I've looked at the three profiles on Facebook that I still care about, I still need to waste more time on the Internet. That's usually when I start looking at the profiles of hot people. I flip through the pictures of them in bikinis with their sexy significant others, where they're kissing and telling each other they're hot until I feel very dissatisfied with my life. It's just this thing that I do.

I get the feeling that Kelly sometimes feels dissatisfied with her life too, or did before she found true luv. I can tell because she can't stop talking about her boyfriend -- yes, it has the opposite effect as intended. I'm smelling the reek of overcompensation here.

Monday, August 17, 2009


Okay, my bad for continuing to read a sentence that starts out with: "WOW According to my horoscope..." But Ysabel's bad for wasting 10 seconds of my life with this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad joke. Also, where the fuck did she get this horoscope? From some crazy person off the street? Anyway, I wouldn't be joking about not being able to make paper plans and shoebox dioramas, because that makes you sound (even more) absolutely retarded. Time to go back to kindergarten!


Looks like someone is on the road to self-improvement! Also on your to-do list, maybe read more Barnes and Noble Classics and get hair extensions? Frankly Liz, I don't know why you're asking about the languages. Everybody knows that skinny French girls are the most chic and desirable (duh) and if you were really trying to impress, you should have skipped this status and gone ahead and written in a language none of your friends can understand. That's how the pros do it anyway.

Friday, August 14, 2009


Have you ever written a totally annoying facebook status and then asked yourself why you were so goddamn annoying all the time and then posted the status anyway?

That's what we're ALL asking ourselves right now, Mark.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


This status is not annoying. It is beautiful. And uplifting.

It should give us all pride and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Pride and hope that, yes, EVEN RETARDED PEOPLE can post status updates that people will like.


Autumn, these are mixed messages. First you enthusiastically proclaim the mass number of friend requests you have received (note the exclamation point!). Then you make a mediocre face after not knowing all of them :-/. Which is it? Are you pleased or displeased?

This also marks the first post of a brand new category of annoying status, the celebri-status. In case you haven't already realized, Autumn was briefly on one of the classiest shows on TV. Her fame is still reeling in the facebook friends, apparently.

And Gerald, while I applaud your facebook call-out, can we perhaps think of a snarky response that wasn't originally produced on the 4th grade school bus?

Thanks for the submission!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Not sure I'm with you. Are you surprised that they have tequila in Ireland? I have been to Ireland, and I was under the impression that the Irish are undiscriminating in their love of alcohol, and that they basically use it as a multivitamin. If you're saying you're drinking the entire Irish population under the table, I'd say that's NOT FUNNY and possibly problematic. Intervention! Intervention!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


You should totally go announce it to everyone with a status update. That'll do the job.

This was a submitted status (THANKS!!), so I'm not sure what Brenna's other posts are like, but we can only imagine:

Monday, August 10, 2009


Now whose milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard? La la la-la-la. Warm it up.


Since I saw this post, I have been basically glued to my computer screen awaiting the genius that is sure to be Random Thought #3. Don't underestimate yourself, Sean. That shit's not random. That shit's DEEP.

Back to my REGULAR life, now -- the one where I don't dabble in love. (If only!) I more like, gorge. I'm a gorger. Then I purge. And then I sit around waiting for Random Thought #3.

Friday, August 7, 2009


Just a note to my friends and family: Please don't dedicate any Tim McGraw songs to me when I die. In fact, don't dedicate any songs to me at all. Don't write a farewell message on my Facebook wall and don't create a Facebook group for me. Just wear black to my funeral and eat some casserole at the buffet afterwards like tradition and good taste dictate.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Oliver is so democratic. It's very inspiring.

I think we should start doing everything by vote. Every time you're thinking about taking a nap, eating a bagel, or straight chilling let the rest of us know so we can decide for you. Not only is it boring, it's interactive!


Sheri: I love cherries.

Meg: Oh yea? Well I eat them every day.

Sheri: Oh yea? Well I eat other fruit, too and that's ALL I EAT.

Meg: I'm President of Fruit Land.

Sheri: I invented fruit and I'm Czar of Fruit Planet.

Meg: My DNA is composed entirely of vitamins and fruit.

John: I love black cherry soda!

Meg: John, you are going to hell.

I don't think this conversation is over. Will John have a comeback? Will someone else join in on this fucking mind-blowingly ridunculous atrocity of a conversation? Unfortunately, I won't find out because this was a reader submission, (THANKS, L!) so I am left to dream about what will happen next. Any ideas?


What the hell? Was there some sort of memo that said quoting the character Brick from the movie Anchorman was funny again? At least Steve quoted it correctly.

That's what you get, Douglas, just for trying to "heart" diplomacy.

*Also note, I realize that this is actually an annoying comment, not status, but you can deal with it.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Could it be that Jill has cracked the facebook status code? Is it possible that Aaron and Tiffany will have to start turning to other devices for their passive-aggressive comments? Will facebook eliminate status' all together once they realize they're being used so annoyingly? Probably not.

Also, I think that Jill and this guy need to stop cramping my style.


Why was this in my update feed?

If this message was really intended for Lauren's husband, why didn't she post it on his wall? She obviously wanted everyone to see. Occasionally, I will see a post that wishes someone a happy birthday or congratulates someone on running a race or getting a new job or something, but that is different. That's giving someone props or a shout out for something they've done. If this is what Lauren was trying to do, she was giving props to her husband for being married to her, and I'm not sure that counts.

Also, Lauren: don't you, you know, live with your husband? So you could have, like, told him in person?

Monday, August 3, 2009


Paul and Sarah must be best friends. They have to band together you know, since they're really smart and everything. The rest of us average folks who laugh at fart jokes and eat at chain restaurants just can't keep up. Thanks Paul, for condescendingly recommending this movie to us!


Chris came. He saw. He conquered. New York City will never be the same.

That's what Chris seems to think, anyway, after eating food and getting about as much sleep as my Grandmother gets. You're right, Chris. That kind of fun is countless.

While this kind of party boy lifestyle may seem unfathomable to you, it's just any old epic weekend for Chris. Let's take a look at the definition of epic, shall we?:

ep⋅ic [ep-ik]

-adjective Also, ep⋅i⋅cal.
1. noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style: Homer's Iliad is an epic poem.
2. resembling or suggesting such poetry: an epic novel on the founding of the country.
3. heroic; majestic; impressively great: the epic events of the war.
4. of unusually great size or extent: a crime wave of epic proportions.

Heroic? Majestic? Impressively great? Go ahead and call yourself those things, Chris. Because nobody else will.