Friday, May 29, 2009


Yes thaaaaaat's why you're single. You're so wild and free. (Out for a run, to top it all off!) That's interesting. I'm single because I'm ugly and selfish. But you, you go girl!

Thursday, May 28, 2009


I guess we can assume from Yukai's profile picture he's talking about biking. But what if this had been his picture?  

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


What the hell indeed. Let me be clear. This is not something to be proud of. Your status history indicates you post about exercising almost once a day and now your body is waving the white flag. Have mercy on it for all our sakes. 

And fyi, the sex appeal of having a hardbody is kind of tainted by the barfing. 


Is updating your status about pounding out the to-do list on your to-do list? Because if it is, you suck at to-do lists.

Next Time: Only discuss your to-do list if there is something at least mildly interesting going on there, like...

-impregnate waitress at ____ Cafe to get free egg salad for life
-continue to embezzle millions from _____(company you work for)_____
-finally get ass cheek surgically separated to form 2 cheeks instead of 1
-get a tattoo of my mom's face on my face (AND THEN ACTUALLY DO IT)
-send back registration fee to Compulsive Masturbation Assistance Group (CMAG)

Can anybody think of more suggestions for Zach? Let's help him out!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Was your heart wearing a short skirt? Was it being a tease or writing slutty Facebook status updates? 

Totally inappropriate use of the word rape.  And "meep" is only cute when robots say it. 


I'm getting sick of these vague, "aren't you dying of curiosity about the fascinating ins and outs of my complicated, meaningful life" posts. They don't mean anything to almost everyone. If your girlfriend just dumped you because she caught you banging a dude in a Jack-in-the-Box bathroom, or something, just say it. (And if it's not too interesting, don't say it at all, because I don't have time or brain power to waste trying to de-mystify something not mystifying.)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Pardon the interruption

We're doing some much needed redecorating so if things switch around the next couple days we hope you'll bear with us! 

Friday, May 22, 2009


This status update isn't actually that annoying. It's more apt for a "Your Status Depresses Me" blog. I sort of don't like the comment, though. When Steven laments his night of solitude, it goes without saying that he needs 2 get a girl & get laid. We were alllllll thinking it, Jennifer. But you don't say it. You just don't. Unless you're willing to provide some sort of solution to the problem. Some sort of sexual solution. Is that what's going on here? Because that kind of shit belongs on another totally different kind of blog.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Ricky's understanding of heterosexuality is like Borat's understanding of America. And his level of analysis only goes as deep as an equal sign. 

I'm going someplace you are not. = You are jealous. 
Beach. = Hot girls.
I like hot girls. = I am heterosexual.
I'm heterosexual = My place at the top of society is secure.

(Thanks to Chris for the submission!)


Reverse psychology does not work on babies. They do not appear when you announce you don't need one. You have to have sex to have a baby. And while Facebook is a great place to start this process, if you have any standards for the father of this baby we keep hearing about, you'll sperm-hunt in more traditional arenas, such as bars and

(Thanks to our submitter!)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


This is the best example of how Facebook is aiding in the destruction the English language (along with its friends Twitter and text messages. LOL.) I don't think I need to point out that Lauren included the "is" herself, going out of her way to make the sentence make zero sense. So I won't. But I just did.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Other things Brittany has been known to say to her friends just to kill their joy and steal the glory:

To her friend who just got a new job, "Aw, you're going to be a teacher? I wish I didn't care about money." 

To her coworker who was sent a bouquet, "Oh did someone send you flowers? My boyfriend gave me a diamond necklace last night. Isn't it beautiful?"

And there are those other times when she steals foul balls from children at baseball games and makes people explain their jokes to the point where it's not funny or enjoyable to tell them anymore. 

Monday, May 18, 2009


This girl is lying. She knows how to use Facebook. She somehow managed to type a zero for every "o" and lowercase every "i" while still shouting at her friends in all-caps. Do you have any idea how much time it takes to type out something like this? It requires super advanced Internet knowledge that leads me to believe that her "SDENDS" typo is not really a typo but a coded message to all 11-year-old girls. 

Oh, she understands Facebook alright. She's just trying to get out of joining your group lobbying for a dislike button!

(Thanks to our submitter!)


Crystal is one of those "friends" I have that I haven't talked to in 8 years and don't even know what state she lives in, so I can safely say that I have been minding my own business when it comes to Crystal's affairs. But now, thanks to this mysterious post, I want to be in her business. Why are other people in her business, anyway? Is her man cheating on her with his cousin? Has she been secretly whoring around while pretending to be working at the customer service desk at Sears? (Have I been watching too much Jerry Springer?)

As juicy as this is, I'd appreciate it if Crystal kept her negative chi off my status update feed. I really don't want it bringing me down.

Friday, May 15, 2009


I'm sorry, I can't help it. Once again: I WANT TO DO YOU!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 14, 2009


I feel this way about potato chips. In fact, a lot of people do. It's like, a thing. They're so salty and crispy and Salt & Vinegar flavor is pretty much fantastic. Rothko? Eeeeh.....


Yeah, total bummer, I totally know what you're talking about.


I'd like to ask readers: what is the real motivation for posting something in Arabic?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Okay, so you're saying you're a set of twin babies? Or you're just typing whatever is going through your head without filtering it? When I need updates on exactly what songs are going through your head throughout the day, I'll let you know. Thank God everyone doesn't do this.

(Thanks to our anonymous submitter!)


Maggie, what exactly is it that you think you're doing? And let's not pretend we don't know the name of the world's most popular social messaging utility for staying connected in real time. C'mon.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Shannon gets +1 for not saying "is missing her boyfriend" and then switching to the first person singular but -1 for saying "bestie."


Berlin -- fascinating? Ha! Sounds exactly like something someone would say who's never been there. Everybody knows that Berlin is boring as shit.

Friday, May 8, 2009


Maybe the weirdest thing about this post/tantrum is how Dianne capitalized "SUNDAYS"? I'm not really sure. Should we even bother trying to explain to her that Sundays aren't named after the sun? Does that last smiley have a double chin? So many questions. 

(Thanks to our anonymous submitter!)


Are you sure it wasn't Satan's arms? Because I mean, God was busy last night spooning with me, and mid-cuddle He mentioned that He do TOO mind, you're a douchebag, and He wants to kick your ass.

(Thank you anonymous submitter!)

Thursday, May 7, 2009


Quit your bitching. We can't see the volcano, either.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Things you should not do when a storm is raging:
  • not speak
  • sit in the corner
  • watch what happens
  • announce the rager to everyone on your Facebook status update
(Thank you anonymous submitter!)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Brandon thinks he's like Chuck Norris but unfortunately he does not have a fist underneath his beard instead of a chin, nor can he divide by zero -- so he gets a roundhouse kick... to the jaw.


Your self-restraint to pass on one of the shittiest, most fat laden meal choices imaginable really is astounding. You may have felt like a martyr, a saint! eating that vitamin packed salad and dainty burger. But we don't want to hear the details.

(Thank you anonymous submitter!)

Monday, May 4, 2009


I have no idea what is going on in this post except for the fact that a bunch of assholes think drunk driving is hilarious. Posts like "Last night was awesome, we danced to so many 80s jamz!" might make me miss and love my friends but probably not "My drunk friend almost ran over a cyclist with her car." 

Go ahead Cletus, tell me I'm drinking "hatorade," I dare you. 


Please stop clogging up my Facebook status feed with vague, uninformative updates that tell me absolutely nothing about what a genius you are, how much fun you had this weekend, or what an ignorant retard Obama is. Please. I do have standards.

Friday, May 1, 2009


Brody's cat bit his hand last night when he was reaching out to pet her*. 

Or his girlfriend broke up with him. Either way, Ray Charles is being used here as he was never intended to be. There are rules people, how many times do we have to go over this? 

*Meanwhile, his cat is listening to Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart."