Thursday, April 30, 2009


The subject-verb agreement here is terrible, for one thing. But what I'm wondering is: When you get poked on a joint Facebook account, who is actually being flirted with? And is it cheating?

(According to our submitter, the photos were "of course, white shirts on the beach engagement photos.")

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


First people start blogging about how their Facebook friends are really annoying. Then, when that can no longer contain their anger, they start responding personally to statuses with insults like "Shut up" and "You are a douche" or "Never take your pants off ever." Jordan has reached his stage 2 breaking point.

After that it's just chaos.

(Thanks Chris, for the submission!)


This thread, submitted by the Kyle you see above, gets better and better as it continues, climaxing with Kyle's aptly put, though slightly inappropriate zinger at the end. Thanks, Kyle!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


This isn't technically a status update, is it? Also, I'm calling Jerry Springer.

Thanks to our anonymous submitter for this one!

Monday, April 27, 2009


Other things you should never say about yourself:

1. I'm just an extreme person. I always do things hardcore.
2. I just can't not create art.
3. I'm really beautiful.


The point of your status update is obviously to seem better than us lowly people reading Facebook in English in the United States. But a status update announcing that you are reading Facebook when you could be eating brie and sleeping with beautiful French people makes you seem just like one of us. Actually, it makes you seem way lamer. Go eat some cheese, get laid, and then update your Facebook status.

Friday, April 24, 2009


Karla goes to Yale. When someone gets in her face she refers to how they "will be pumping her gas" someday. She washes her hands a lot when she's been out in public and often shows impatience with waitstaff. She really hates the uneducated.

(Thanks to our Anonymous submitter!)


It'd be awesome if you pants were off because you had just gotten a blowie but judging from the douchiness of this post, I doubt you're that smooth with the ladies. Ladies don't be carin' that you worked out Monday.

Thursday, April 23, 2009


Are you talking to someone in particular? Because I thought you were moralizing everyone when i started reading your epically long update but then you switched pronouns and now... wait. Cake? You're giving me cake? Oh, did I turn everything around on myself again? Maybe you have a point.


Can we change the name of this blog to: 'your status makes me want to vomit'?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


First of all, let me point out that Facebook has ruined the English language. When we first wrote status updates there was a strict format: "FirstName LastName is ___." Now that Facebook has chosen to allow me the great personal freedom of choosing the verb I am enacting, for some inexplicable reason people still write in the "is."

Not only has William made this mistake, he did so while commemorating his grandfather's death. Are you putting it on Facebook for the sympathy sex William? Because Susan looks ready to put out.


Suzzane likes this, Kyle is understandably confused, and Jenny wants to spend time with this person near the edge of a river (?!) Next time, Justin, please be more clear: WHICH mother fuckers best believe WHAT?

This was an excellent reader submission. Keep 'em coming, guys!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Attention everybody: Dan has explosive diarrhea. He needs to go home.


Sherry is subtley referring to the fact that she thinks Angie's announcement is gross. Even though Facebook doesn't have rules against calling your husband sexy, many of us have personal "rules" against hearing someone say it.

She didn't mention all the sex she had (thankfully), but it's kind of implied and already this update is too explicit. Folks, let's try to keep this stuff to ourselves from now on.

(Thanks to our Anonymous submitter!)


Day in the life of Sammy Poo:
  • Wake up in bed with Hannah, use all strength to pry self away from her clinging arms
  • Shower and get ready for work (double bolt bathroom door to ensure privacy)
  • Eat a carefully monitored breakfast of Eggs Alla Hannah and pancakes perfectly formed to resemble Sammy Poo's face
  • Get in the car to go to work and ESCAPE LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL

Monday, April 20, 2009


It's time someone stood up for people with disabilities. The Special Olympics need an eloquent spokesperson and Jana seems like the right woman for the job. Laura can be her right-hand woman and together they can work to eradicate ignorance.


This status update seemed to be going in a pretty bad direction, so I didn't click "Read More". Can you blame me?

Friday, April 17, 2009


Uh oh, Kyle and his posse got in trouble with the cops for jaywalking across the street to get some Chipotle again.


You're wrong about the water, Kara. Everyone else is drinking entire handles of vodka and sleeping with the first person that hits on them at bars, not proclaiming their insecurities on Facebook, which is what you should do if you're looking for love. In fact, what are you doing on Facebook at 11:44 pm anyway? That is primo manhunting time! Get your dancing shoes on girl, and work it! But promise me you won't announce to every guy you meet that you forsee yourself living a solitary life of spinsterdom. So not hot.

This was a reader submission so I'm curious to know whether anyone commented on this update. Did Kara receive several marriage proposals (get her now, boys! she's going to be available... forever!) or did she just hear crickets? AWKWARDDDDDDDDDD.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


This is the part where a profile change from "in a relationship" to "single" would have sufficed. And to be clear, here is a list of things that are eras:

1. The Big Band Era
2. The Precambrian Era
3. The Elizabethan era

Things that are not eras:

1. That time in your life you were 'Sonia and Some Dude Forever'
2. Back when you used to play soccer.
3. Pants.

And as the submitter Matthew commented, "Abuse of the ellipsis is by far the most annoying status 'technique'." (Thanks, Matthew!)


Woah there, Amy. I know this is some pretty exciting stuff, but it doesn't sound like you can handle it. Does anyone have an extra straight jacket they'd like to lend Amy?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Kari has blown away all my assumptions about annoying status updates. TMI and terrible song lyrics as statuses will be a damning legacy of our era but at least we've come to expect it.

This is like... a knock-knock joke. Or do you think "the girl" is really Kari? And why is C Justin enabling her?

(Thanks, Chad for the submission!)


Well you let us know when you are in the same place at the same time as Jennifer Aniston. Oh wait, I won't care then, either.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


What's the rumor? What's happening?!
....No, come on, tell me.
Really, why won't you tell me Kristen?
I really want to know!!!

Monday, April 13, 2009


Oh yeah? Well I'm climbing Mt. Everest (30,000 feet). And I don't have a Sherpa. Or oxygen. And I've been surviving on M&Ms. And I'm carrying 4 babies on my back. And I'm aerating the soil as I go and planting trees to sprout in my wake. And I pretty much invented mountain climbing anyway.

Thursday, April 9, 2009