Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
I don't know about you, but on Friday my feed was flooded with girls peeing their pants, crying, and letting God only knows what other bodily fluids flow when they saw this crappy wedding procession video. The dancing is pretty lame-ass, but lots of girlies I know will go gaa-gaa over anything wedding related. Which is annoying. Also annoying is the abundance of wall shout-outs this video received. I would have thought that the fifty-seventh person who posted it would have realized that her friends would have seen it already, but no. Was anyone else annoyed? Or were you guys sitting there in tears, envisioning what moves you'd bust out during your own wedding procession?
Friday, July 24, 2009
When I first read this status I thought it was written by a girl who would scream "BITCH PLEASE" if you bumped into her. Then I realized it was posted by a "Neil."
Aside from the fact that Neil makes it embarassingly obvious that he is underappreciated (or accurately so) by his girlfriend, this is a flawed metaphor. As our submitter pointed out, girls often have several different purses that they switch out to match their outfit. Neil matches none of my outfits.
I also think it's odd that Neil would even choose purses for his comparison. But maybe he is just trying to explain things in terms women can understand.
a) Why does Heath think we want to know anything about his envelope-escapades?
b) That is going to BLOW for whoever is trying to open this glue-stick sealed parcel ("old faithful" my ass).
c) Naturally there couldn't be a mention of "licking" without someone making some suave sexual reference. Good one, Chris.
d) Why is Heath's umbrella so huge?
This status is like an I Spy of hot mess. Can you spot more things wrong with it?
Thursday, July 23, 2009
What shall Steven do today? So far, sitting at his computer, weighing his options, and updating his Facebook status update is winning the What-To-Do-Today Contest. What were the alternatives, Steven? Rubbing Icy-Hot on your balls? That would at least be a more entertaining status update. Please consider for next time.
1. If someone writes "ughhh i just got dumpedd and my grandmaaa dieeeeddd thisss suckz" - totally appropriate to click on "like".
2. If someone writes "rock it sonia sotomayor, just hang in there one more day" - totally appropriate to click on "like".
3. If someone writes "I want a toasted buttered bagel...", what the fuck is there to like? I think its pretty obvious that bagels are delicious, sure, but NO ONE CARES whether or not you specifically like bagels.
Thanks to Casey K. for the submission (if you were a status, Casey, I would "like" you).
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
A lesson to us all: hide your phone from yourself on Saturday night at 10:05 when you've had a few beers and are feeling frisky. Especially if it has ever crossed your mind that Lady Gaga has any quotable song lyrics. When you're drinking, that sort of humiliating confession comes out. Another unfortunate exposure of truth: Carrie wants to take a ride on someone's (everyone's?) disco stick. And maybe it's because I know this person personally, but I was pretty disgusted to hear about it.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I've studied the natives in LA for quite some time and let me tell you -- they are a strange breed, indeed. They cover themselves with feces and speak a somewhat archaic language that we have yet to understand. This honking of horns you speak of, though. Never heard of it before. Nobody does that anywhere. Nope, no idea. Oh wait, you were wearing shorts? That explains everything, you stud! Everyone wants your fine ass! Problem solved.
"MAD PEEPS BE HONKIN'."
Thats right, the little guy in the tie is back for some more self-loathing and pity-inducing fun. You may remember the break-up-king from such posts as this and this (you're welcome for bringing back those horrible memories).
The ONE thing I agree with Gabriel on is that he should stop wearing his heart on his sleeve, or on my newsfeed.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Here, Jen wants to make sure that we all know how "hardcore" she is because she stayed up past 10:30pm. Yeah that's right, past 10:30pm. Hard-fucking-core, Jen.
Send in other "HP" annoying status' to firstname.lastname@example.org - they must be stopped.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Maybe its just an Emily thing to be obsessed with working out...
Have I missed any delightful traits in these two?.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Now I have it.
Its languages. And by 'languages' I mean annoying the shit out of me.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Aaron was sitting at Firestone waiting for an oil change (what I had assumed to be one of the most boring activities of all time) and thought, "people need to know about this. This would make a great status update." The first thing I thought when I read the update was, "that sounds horrible I'm so glad I'm not there with you right now. I don't even want to hear about this." And then I look down and see that Bridgette does not feel the same way. While I'm glad they've found each other, (they surely won't be able to find someone else who gets more excitement from Firestone Auto Care,) I really don't want to have to witness their awkward flirting. Next time can we leave out poop and whales, please?
Monday, July 13, 2009
Can you believe that Janet Jackson's nipple was exposed at the superbowl this year? At least she didn't go to jail, like Martha Stewart. I'm so glad that Britney Spears is on top of her game with her latest hit "Toxic" and can't wait 'til George Bush is out of office. Have you heard of these new yellow rubber bracelets with "Livestrong" on them? Everyone's wearing them.
Oh no wait... thats right. Its not 2004. Fuck you Steve.
Your friend, Walter.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
(Thanks, L. for the submission.)
I have heard people older than me complain that Generation Y is full of ego-centric Me-Me-Me-ers who have been told that they are perfect, have been coddled their whole lives, and have no experience of disappointment. This post is a reminder that that is true. Adam was under the impression that everyone wanted to hear every detail about his American Idol audition. I know, right? But get this: he was sort of right. I didn't post all the comments to the last post -- there were too many. ("Congrats for putting yourself out there, and going for it dude. That's what really counts. Peace man." and "hey! so unfair.. your music is amazing, you will be an great singer.. you will see.. Good luck!!") Nobody said: "You are a tool and I'm sick of hearing about you," which is what I'm assuming lots of people were thinking. I know I was.
So what does this say about Facebook? We all create profiles, where we can control everything -- the pictures of us, the information about us, our status updates, and everything that we want others to know about us. (Adam asks us to "please keep the questions of detail to a very minimum" but assures us that he kicked ass.) When you look at someone's profile, you aren't getting to know the real them, you are getting to know the version of them that they want you to see. And we all tell eachother we are awesome, even when we aren't. Adam thinks he is awesome, even though he isn't. He has surrounded himself with enablers. I'm sorry to bring up MJ again, but isn't that how he died?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
While this status may be less obnoxious than "You'll forever be in our hearts as the King of Pop" or "MJJJJJJJJJJJ!!!!!!!", it's still extremely annoying. Is it really a question? Because if so, there is this new website I found for exactly this type of query. And if Matt is not actually seeking the date and time of death, than this status must only exist so that people can note how quirky and behind-the-times he is.
Will Michael Jackson haunt facebook status' forever?
Note: I know this person, and he's not being snarky or retohrical. He actually didn't know.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
When I was a teeny bopper, every party I ever went to had one girl who needed to spoil the fun for everyone by pouting and drawing all attention to herself. Aaron is that girl. Who invited him, anyway? Christine tries to be a good friend by asking what is wrong, but then is ignored. Aaron's next move is another post, an hour later:
Suzanne seems to want Aaron to toughen up, Stephanie tries to coddle Aaron once more, and nobody gets what all this frowning is about. I say, let Aaron stew in the corner by himself. We all came to to this Facebook party to have a good time.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Here's hoping that thirsty Ryan figures out his dilemma soon...
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Hey, did you guys hear that Michael Jackson died? Me too. Two hundred times. I couldn't go on Facebook for two days.
Gabriel is... going to be alright. He only got two hours of sleep (lame) and he had to wander around campus until his feet hurt (emo) and "needless to say" he's exhausted (over it) but he is feeling better (please stop talking).
I hope that Gabriel will just stop updating us on his awful life. Someway, somehow.