Friday, July 31, 2009


First of all Kristin, we're sick of hearing about your baby. I don't really need updates about your baby bump or your due date (trust me, there were plenty). And after you have dragged me through each and every little bundle-of-joy status up to this point, don't expect sympathy because your baby is "already" 14 days old. 

Nobody wants your frowny emoticon 'round here.



Wait a second! I have a hard enough time keeping track of my own shit. Why must I be burdened with yours? Do whatever you need to do to get a job, then start bitching about it like everyone else.

Thursday, July 30, 2009


This isn't your baby book. This is FUCKING FACEBOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These milestones -- no matter how earth shattering -- are best kept to yourself.


Ahh, the age old debate surrounding Peregrine Falcons. Quite cool or no one cares?

Personally, I'm with Norlex (though I am confused about his name).

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Here's my thought of the day: When you're an idiot, shut up.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


Elise -- comparing yourself as a comic and writer to Tina Fey is like comparing your yourself as a humanitarian to Mother Teresa. Join the club -- everyone has funny things happen to them. They are not, as you may think, sitting around obsessing about how funny your life is.

Monday, July 27, 2009


I don't know about you, but on Friday my feed was flooded with girls peeing their pants, crying, and letting God only knows what other bodily fluids flow when they saw this crappy wedding procession video. The dancing is pretty lame-ass, but lots of girlies I know will go gaa-gaa over anything wedding related. Which is annoying. Also annoying is the abundance of wall shout-outs this video received. I would have thought that the fifty-seventh person who posted it would have realized that her friends would have seen it already, but no. Was anyone else annoyed? Or were you guys sitting there in tears, envisioning what moves you'd bust out during your own wedding procession?

Friday, July 24, 2009


When I first read this status I thought it was written by a girl who would scream "BITCH PLEASE" if you bumped into her. Then I realized it was posted by a "Neil."

Aside from the fact that Neil makes it embarassingly obvious that he is underappreciated (or accurately so) by his girlfriend, this is a flawed metaphor. As our submitter pointed out, girls often have several different purses that they switch out to match their outfit. Neil matches none of my outfits.

I also think it's odd that Neil would even choose purses for his comparison. But maybe he is just trying to explain things in terms women can understand.


There are so many things wrong with this. I will list them now for your convenience.

a) Why does Heath think we want to know anything about his envelope-escapades?
b) That is going to BLOW for whoever is trying to open this glue-stick sealed parcel ("old faithful" my ass).
c) Naturally there couldn't be a mention of "licking" without someone making some suave sexual reference. Good one, Chris.
d) Why is Heath's umbrella so huge?

This status is like an I Spy of hot mess. Can you spot more things wrong with it?

Thursday, July 23, 2009


What shall Steven do today? So far, sitting at his computer, weighing his options, and updating his Facebook status update is winning the What-To-Do-Today Contest. What were the alternatives, Steven? Rubbing Icy-Hot on your balls? That would at least be a more entertaining status update. Please consider for next time.


Ok so we need a group tutorial on when to use the "like" feature on status.

1. If someone writes "ughhh i just got dumpedd and my grandmaaa dieeeeddd thisss suckz" - totally appropriate to click on "like".

2. If someone writes "rock it sonia sotomayor, just hang in there one more day" - totally appropriate to click on "like".

3. If someone writes "I want a toasted buttered bagel...", what the fuck is there to like? I think its pretty obvious that bagels are delicious, sure, but NO ONE CARES whether or not you specifically like bagels.

Thanks to Casey K. for the submission (if you were a status, Casey, I would "like" you).

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


A lesson to us all: hide your phone from yourself on Saturday night at 10:05 when you've had a few beers and are feeling frisky. Especially if it has ever crossed your mind that Lady Gaga has any quotable song lyrics. When you're drinking, that sort of humiliating confession comes out. Another unfortunate exposure of truth: Carrie wants to take a ride on someone's (everyone's?) disco stick. And maybe it's because I know this person personally, but I was pretty disgusted to hear about it.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


I've studied the natives in LA for quite some time and let me tell you -- they are a strange breed, indeed. They cover themselves with feces and speak a somewhat archaic language that we have yet to understand. This honking of horns you speak of, though. Never heard of it before. Nobody does that anywhere. Nope, no idea. Oh wait, you were wearing shorts? That explains everything, you stud! Everyone wants your fine ass! Problem solved.



Gabriel is back.

Thats right, the little guy in the tie is back for some more self-loathing and pity-inducing fun. You may remember the break-up-king from such posts as this and this (you're welcome for bringing back those horrible memories).

The ONE thing I agree with Gabriel on is that he should stop wearing his heart on his sleeve, or on my newsfeed.

Monday, July 20, 2009


Ok so almost as annoying as the great Michael Jackson status phenomenon mania of 2009 is the talk about Harry Potter via facebook fest 2009.

Here, Jen wants to make sure that we all know how "hardcore" she is because she stayed up past 10:30pm. Yeah that's right, past 10:30pm. Hard-fucking-core, Jen.

Send in other "HP" annoying status' to - they must be stopped.


Yeah, and Hitler was a really great guy and the crappiness of slavery has really been exaggerated. What's everyone freaking out about?

Friday, July 17, 2009


I am somehow not surprised that Emily and Rod don't have actual significant others, what with all the running, sexy faces, and facebook metaphors. Emily has also done that adorable thing where she explains her comparison at the end of her status, just in case someone thought that she was actually dating a physically abusive guy named "running".

Maybe its just an Emily thing to be obsessed with working out...

Have I missed any delightful traits in these two?.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


"DEAR GOD this person has just cracked the ever elusive facebook status syntactical structure. AND HOLY FUCK she posted it for everyone to see! what on earth would we do possibly do without this facebook status? facebook: bringing you linguistic advances in our modern world." --A, submitter (thanks!)


Might as well have been this:

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


Wait... ok hold on. I'm close. No, I got this one. No wait... ok I know there's something here. I'm getting the feeling that you're really into something here, Derron. I just have this sneaking suspicion that you have some sort of passion for something really specific...

Now I have it.

Its languages. And by 'languages' I mean annoying the shit out of me.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Aaron was sitting at Firestone waiting for an oil change (what I had assumed to be one of the most boring activities of all time) and thought, "people need to know about this. This would make a great status update." The first thing I thought when I read the update was, "that sounds horrible I'm so glad I'm not there with you right now. I don't even want to hear about this." And then I look down and see that Bridgette does not feel the same way. While I'm glad they've found each other, (they surely won't be able to find someone else who gets more excitement from Firestone Auto Care,) I really don't want to have to witness their awkward flirting. Next time can we leave out poop and whales, please?

Monday, July 13, 2009


But tell us how you really feel! Kevin, don't hold back! Your use of the term "fat collecting areas" is so scientific and exact I'm pretty sure you're a professional nutritionist or something. Please, guide us.

But be careful because if you are mean enough, those "fat chicks" will stop drinking and start exercising and will no longer have the lowered inhibitions and bad self esteems that allow them to consider sleeping with you. Who's money is on Tiffany being a fat drunk in her next life?


Dear Steve,

Can you believe that Janet Jackson's nipple was exposed at the superbowl this year? At least she didn't go to jail, like Martha Stewart. I'm so glad that Britney Spears is on top of her game with her latest hit "Toxic" and can't wait 'til George Bush is out of office. Have you heard of these new yellow rubber bracelets with "Livestrong" on them? Everyone's wearing them.

Oh no wait... thats right. Its not 2004. Fuck you Steve.

Your friend, Walter.

Friday, July 10, 2009


If you were hanging out with the best person in the whole world... Alli at 8:23pm on July 6, I bet you were still hanging out with him at 8:29pm July 6. You could have told him this in person. This update was unnecessary.


Really? Did they not see your facebook profile picture?

Thursday, July 9, 2009


Sometimes, when posting an annoying status I'll do this thing where I pretend I'm talking in the voice of the annoying person. And then I'll say really inane things, slightly more stupid than what the actual person said in the status to illustrate a point. Beth is saying that slightly more stupid thing that is so pointless and boring, you didn't think a real person would say it.

(Thanks, L. for the submission.)

100th Post!

Really 101 but that's 100 and then the extra like a baker's dozen. (It's not a perfect metaphor, but neither is your Facebook status!) Anyways, we've come a long way and now we're celebrating.

For suggestions for the future, please post in the comments.


I have heard people older than me complain that Generation Y is full of ego-centric Me-Me-Me-ers who have been told that they are perfect, have been coddled their whole lives, and have no experience of disappointment. This post is a reminder that that is true. Adam was under the impression that everyone wanted to hear every detail about his American Idol audition. I know, right? But get this: he was sort of right. I didn't post all the comments to the last post -- there were too many. ("Congrats for putting yourself out there, and going for it dude. That's what really counts. Peace man." and "hey! so unfair.. your music is amazing, you will be an great singer.. you will see.. Good luck!!") Nobody said: "You are a tool and I'm sick of hearing about you," which is what I'm assuming lots of people were thinking. I know I was.

So what does this say about Facebook? We all create profiles, where we can control everything -- the pictures of us, the information about us, our status updates, and everything that we want others to know about us. (Adam asks us to "please keep the questions of detail to a very minimum" but assures us that he kicked ass.) When you look at someone's profile, you aren't getting to know the real them, you are getting to know the version of them that they want you to see. And we all tell eachother we are awesome, even when we aren't. Adam thinks he is awesome, even though he isn't. He has surrounded himself with enablers. I'm sorry to bring up MJ again, but isn't that how he died?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


This is not a post from two weeks ago... I found this today. Apparently Matt doesn't really follow the news, unlike every other person on facebook.

While this status may be less obnoxious than "You'll forever be in our hearts as the King of Pop" or "MJJJJJJJJJJJ!!!!!!!", it's still extremely annoying. Is it really a question? Because if so, there is this new website I found for exactly this type of query. And if Matt is not actually seeking the date and time of death, than this status must only exist so that people can note how quirky and behind-the-times he is.

Will Michael Jackson haunt facebook status' forever?

Note: I know this person, and he's not being snarky or retohrical. He actually didn't know.


Okay, Joon. You're not a US citizen, so I will give you a tiny break. But let me make one thing clear: This is America. We BBQ, we drink, and we party on The Independence Day. If you didn't do any of that stuff, it's YOUR fault and nobody else's that you had a sucky day. Let's take some responsibility, please -- something we value highly in this grand country.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


When I was a teeny bopper, every party I ever went to had one girl who needed to spoil the fun for everyone by pouting and drawing all attention to herself. Aaron is that girl. Who invited him, anyway? Christine tries to be a good friend by asking what is wrong, but then is ignored. Aaron's next move is another post, an hour later:

Suzanne seems to want Aaron to toughen up, Stephanie tries to coddle Aaron once more, and nobody gets what all this frowning is about. I say, let Aaron stew in the corner by himself. We all came to to this Facebook party to have a good time.

Monday, July 6, 2009


How many times have we had to talk about Facebook eulogies being inappropriate? But does anybody listen? Noooo.

As our anonymous submitter pointed out, Elinor is saying some sweet things here to a friend who passed. But Elinor is also smoking in bed in her photo. Now, I don't smoke but if I did I might do it in bed with a red silk bathrobe on. It's luxurious even if it's a leading cause of house fires (don't say you weren't warned!). Anyways, the point is I'm not condemning Elinor for her photo -- it's the combination. Is this not the perfect example of why you shouldn't write letters to the deceased in the same place you post your drunk/ nude photos and tell your biatch friend to call your cell?

Need I ever explain this again? Sigh. Yes, probably.


This status brings with it so much confusion. First of all, you have a bottle of water in your pocket? How big are your pockets and/or how small is your water bottle? As well, where are you that you can't just refill your bottle when you've sufficiently quenched your thirst? Finally, why are you telling us this?

Here's hoping that thirsty Ryan figures out his dilemma soon...

Thursday, July 2, 2009


Emily should start paying rent for all the time she spends on my newsfeed talking about the gym. You work out, you're sexy, we get it. 

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Hey, did you guys hear that Michael Jackson died? Me too. Two hundred times. I couldn't go on Facebook for two days. 

It's not that I didn't enjoy MJ's music and he died very young. That's a shame. I know for many people, it was his music that played during important moments. But registering grief on Facebook still makes no sense to me. The thing about "connectivity" through Facebook and Twitter is that it's just a nice way of saying that everyone is shouting to be heard, no one is listening and they're all saying the same thing. 

This reaction and inundation was completely predictable. Some people made tasteless jokes and others quoted song lyrics while professionals dug into Jackson's life to give us more to feed on. Don't people ever get tired of being manipulated and profited off of?

(click on image to view larger)



Gabriel is... going to be alright. He only got two hours of sleep (lame) and he had to wander around campus until his feet hurt (emo) and "needless to say" he's exhausted (over it) but he is feeling better (please stop talking).

I hope that Gabriel will just stop updating us on his awful life. Someway, somehow.