Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Does anyone else get the feeling that John just walks around saying "Ugh! Disgusting!"? This really isn't that annoying. It's kind of cute. John is like an unhappy cheese troll.


Oh gee, what a surprise. David is naked and everyone is drooling. I'm tempted to post the exact same update and see what my friends would say. Would they like it? Would I get a wowza? It'd be interesting to see. But it's just not worth it -- posting a status update like that is crowning yourself D-bag of the year and I don't want to enter that competition. David would so win. (Note that Chris and Stewart are most likely gay.)


Robyn: what the hell? I have so many issues with you. Pimpass paradiseee? No one knows what that means. And no one cares to know. I hope to God this was caused by drunkenness, otherwise all signs point to lame-ass-ness.

And of course you spell your name with a "y".

Monday, June 29, 2009


Ok. Before I say anything about this tragedy in a vest, let it be known that I feel sorry for the little guy*. We've all been through shitty break-ups. Difference is, we don't parade our emo-pain-mania all over the intra-web.

I can't even take how annoying this guy is. First of all, "..." does not equal a dramatic pause. Secondly, you want someone to take your heart "far away so that [you] can't feel it anymore"? Over it. And finally, just to reiterate his subtle point, he notes that "this seriously hurts...can't eat..."

Go grab a tube of cookie dough and stay under the covers for a few days (and off of facebook) so that we all don't have to share in your mind-numbing and annoying pain.

*I also admit that I had to remove all the comments because this post would have been 17 pages long, but trust me, the comments were just as lame as the status'.

Friday, June 26, 2009


I'm finding it really hard to feel bad for Scott. Below are my reasons why.

a) 23 rocks. It's only a boring age because you're boring.
b) No one cares about your debt. Everyone has debt.
c) Quit trying to make everyone feel bad for you on your birthday. Isn't it bad enough we have to pretend to care about you long enough to write "hope your birthday is a great one, scott" on your wall?

Btw no one tried to call you.


Can we wait at least, like, 5 minutes before dancing on Michael Jackson's grave? Jaimie and Stefani seem to have crowned themselves intellectually and morally superior to the rest of the world just because they remember that MJ wasn't perfect (and somehow steer the conversation to white supremacy?) I'm not going to start lauding MJ right now, but he did more than "put out a few pop songs and might have molested children."

Also, I hate to get all preachy, but let him who is without sin cast the first stone. When I die, is Jaimie going to show up at the funeral and say, "I don't really care. She had a really bitchy blog"?

Death is pretty heavy. Maybe we should leave it out of our status updates. What do y'all think?

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Nothing makes me happier than a good old fashioned annoying status call out. Here we have Chelsea flaunting a relaxing day by the pool in the company of some girlfriends. Meanwhile, Megan is not pleased*.

Sassy and/or rude comments almost make annoying status' worthwhile. Send in facebook call outs like this to yourstatusisannoying@gmail.com and make my day.

*Note the lack of punctuation, contraction, and capitalization for added fervor.


Your first update about doing 800s on the track was super boring the first time, and not impressive enough for me not to believe you. So you did not have to confirm that you were actually following through with your promise to do laps around the track.

The Only Time This Kind of Confirmation is Necessary:

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Ryan, no one likes a self-deprecating woe-is-me facebook status. Granted, in about 10 minutes comments such as "oh no! ry whats wrong?" or "it'll get better soon <3" will start flowing in, thus fulfilling ryan's assumed goal here.

Also, what does that even mean? You got blindsided by a piece of sticky paper hanging from the ceiling while you were flying around annoying people? Sounds about right.

Why doesn't everyone just save the hassle of coming up with fly-related metaphors about their shitty lives and just put a sad face in place of their profile picture. Unless you all have a better idea to replace this sad-status nonsense?


Thanks, media, for making her this way.

Mix together:
Our generation's preoccupation with one-upping everyone else's "awesome" time

One too many viewings of Sweet Home Alabama, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, or any other romantic comedy that distorts women's ideas of what they can reasonably expect from men

A subscription to Cosmo starting at the age of 11, just old enough to be reading tips on sex and how to snag a man

and you get an overexcited, man-chasing female named Brittni (God-given name, I'm sure) who can't spell or least chooses not to.

(Thanks to our anonymous submitter!)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


This update is a tad annoying in itself, but that's not what I want to talk about. I should first mention that David is one of the most attractive people I have ever met in my life -- and he is a musician. This deadly combo ensures that women throw themselves in front of him, sacrifice their dignity and morals to sleep with him, and... yes... comment on his status. Whatever that status may be. Every status he has ever made has been dubbed "likeable" by at least fifty people and is followed by a thread of flirtatious comments. If David posted "I farted" he would be met by a slew up girls fainting all over the place, ready to rip their shirts off.

Also, I am 95% sure "Anthony" is gay.

Monday, June 22, 2009


Yeeeeah, I love it when married people are fat too. It really helps me get through each day of my lonely, single life. But the thing is, when you say it out loud it kind of makes you sound like a bitch.

Oh look, Emily posted the status from her phone. I guess she couldn't wait to let everyone know she won that break-up. And when someone is Facebooking at the club, you know it's a good night.


We thought nothing was worse than a dead Grandmother status update, but we were wrong. Pet obituaries go even lower. Lauren adds to the annoyance by commenting on her own status, urging friends to memorialize Buddy with an uninteresting anecdote that nobody else cares about.

To top it all off, there is a photo of Buddy (wearing a sombrero?), something we have not yet seen in dead-relative/pet status updates.

The rules keep changing -- what on earth will we see next? May this blog live to eternity, or until the last annoying status has been squelched. Whichever comes first. Most likely the former.

Friday, June 19, 2009


In the past, I've taken a hard line against Dead Grandparent Statuses. Mostly, I've accused their authors of just wanting to get laid. But I'm not going to do that this time. Jenny seems pretty sad and girls don't need to resort to those kinds of tricks like boys do.

So why is she putting this on Facebook? Hmmm. I can't think of a good reason either.


We all do, Melissa. We all do. (LIE.)

Will someone please check on Kara?

Thursday, June 18, 2009


And also, Statue of Liberty by Bloomingdales, and DUMBO I heart NY around Broadway revival of Hair and Mike Bloomberg pigeons everywhere the Q!

Ok, we get it Bridget. You live in New York City and you want everyone to know it by using your hipster NYC lingo. Oh. Whats that? You're just visiting? Well that's even more pretentious. Oh wait, we're abbreviating too?

Totes annoying.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Oh, so THIS is how you let everyone know you've got a 6-pack, got hit on at the gym and that you sent him packing with your complete and utter disdain. I've been wondering how to do that.


What on earth did Aaron do after he had a good workout before Facebook was invented? Run around town announcing at the top of his lungs his latest treadmill accomplishment? At least then I could have run him over with my car. Wow. That was too mean. But I'm annoyed.

I'm also skeptical. Do you have any idea how fast this is?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


"dear diary blog,

today before i wnet to work travis called me and i told him i didn't want to hurt him but he still cried a little. ugh and then at lunch when i opened my salad it totally didn't have the dressing and i was so pissed haha. i just ate a bag of doritos instead. and then cam from the smoothie place in the mall came over and he gave me some saliva and we did it together. it was totally fucked up, kind of like that time i tried to read faulkner. haha that guy is so crazy lol. anyways, then I got on Facebook."

Thanks B. for the submission


Well congrats to you, Jen. I'm not going to Disney World today and my birthday was last month. Fuck you.

Monday, June 15, 2009


Thank you, Karina, for saying what everyone was thinking: why? Status updates shouldn't be so complicated that they require an additional explanation... that also makes zero sense. Do whatever you want with wine, cheese, and visa applications, but leave me out of it -- I'm uninterested.


The attached article in Katie's status is about the vegetarian movement and how President Obama will be a positive force for animal rights. Katie is apparently furious. Nick thinks that Obama couldn't "work this countrys way out of a paper bag" and that people shouldn't making our president out to be "a Mosiah".

If you're going to take such a harsh stand (via facebook...), perhaps don't be such a tool about it.

Friday, June 12, 2009


This is a public service announcement to all you annoying status-ers. This is what happens when you breach the boundaries of acceptable behavior. People start to hate you and can't imagine why they were ever friends with you and then finally, click the De-Friend button. Let this be a lesson to you. 

Anna has not learned her lesson though. Namely, don't post things that make you look like a loser. It's a vicious cycle, but you can break it!


People like A have been annoying others long before Facebook was invented -- since the birth of civilization. Cavewomen like A prolly went around talking about how much in love they were and would get smacked by other cavewomen who wished they were in crazy love too, or had better things to think about. Because really, who needs to be forced to hear this? And we all know this is just going to make Kara start drinking again.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


Nath pretty much covered it for us this time. But I'm always fascinated when people become so angry they actually insult people to their Facebook faces. 

(Thanks to B for the submission!)


Let us know how it goes, Captain Douchebag. We're dyin' over here.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


1. No one cares about you
2. You're kind of selfish
Or 3. Your movie was due back at Blockbuster by midnight?

(Thanks to L for the submission!)


Waiiiiit a second... I was almost positive that the real Spartacus would know how to spell Spartacus. But I must be wrong -- why would these ladies lie?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


It's been said that Gen Y-ers are notorious for being selfish, and I've always agreed. Like, announcing your birthday on Facebook: soooo Gen Y. But announcing your anniversary with Greenpeace? Is every day an honorary Hilary day in Hilary-land? What will we be celebrating tomorrow? The anniversary of the first day you realized how the TV remote control works?

Next time:

-Only announce the anniversary of your entrance into an organization if the organization is bizarre, such as the Compulsive Masturbation Assistance Group (CMAG).

-Wait. I don't care about that, either. Just don't announce the anniversaries of joining an organization at all. Only announce anniversaries that are important life milestones such as birth and death.

-Wait. I don't care about that, either. No self-anniversary announcements anymore, k?

Monday, June 8, 2009


And you thought that college grads couldn't get any worse with their boring ceremonies, parties for themselves, and trips across Europe that they probably don't deserve. But at least when people travel to "find themselves," they are far away enough so that their internal musings can't be heard at home. 

Oh wait. Dammit, Facebook!


Amanda, answer your damn phone, so that you and Ken can can settle your domestic issues in private.

This was a reader submission. Thanks! More guys, more! Send 'em in!

Friday, June 5, 2009


Honestly, I'm just really freaked out by this status update.  

Thursday, June 4, 2009


So... you ran, had a party, cleaned and ate some pizza and you feel as if you're some trail blazer of accomplishments? This is just a list of stuff that I really don't care about.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


Is it heartless of me to think this update is annoying? I think about my Grandma too, on special days, and have my own private rituals to honor and remember her. But that's private. This seems more like a Public Service Announcement that Peter is a sensitive guy, and it's totally working. Chicks love this stuff, and at it isn't a stretch to imagine that at least 16 of them saw this update and wanted to start ripping their panties off for Peter. He'd make such a great dad!

(This was a great reader submission. Thanks! Keep 'em comin', guys!)


Aside from Sarah's annoying use of ellipses and the word(?) "merp," which is already pretty bad, she has also resorted to footnoting her speech. Meaning, she is saying something she doesn't expect you to understand. But because she is generous, and rather than speaking more plainly, she added a hot link so that you can read up on it and become as informed as her.  

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


How sneaky of Melissa to advertise her engagement ring under the guise of "my good ol' buddy ol' pal Em INSISTED that I share this photo with her -- oh! didn't mean for you all to see it, but look, anyway!" Melissa, it's people like you who are driving Kara to the drink.

Monday, June 1, 2009


I see this kind of update a lot: someone gets up on their high horse and makes a statement about how they have noticed the inferior behavior of others and they want to set themselves apart from it. Yes, Steven, you are better than those people with the ugly true colors. Thanks for taking the high road and announcing it on Facebook. You're really making the world a better place.

Thanks for the honesty, Jason.