#201

"Are you quite finished? Or shall I fetch my Stradivarius?" --William F. Buckley

Think this kind of "How do people do it?" thing, and you are an asshole. Say it outloud, and you're a rude asshole. Write it in your status update, and you're a rude, annoying, asshole. You're three for three, Joseph!
(Thanks for the submission, J!)

SNARK OFF WINNER!

Thanks for playing, guys! We were truly moved to tears by the beautiful comments our bomb-ass readers submitted. You're all winners!

Well, only one of you gets the GRAND, MO-FO of a prize: the $15 iTunes gift card. So let's give it up for MEL, who had this to say about Emily's annoying status update:

Hey! I wonder how many random boys would add you if you went topless?

Ha! Short, sweet, and biting -- it made us all laugh. Congrats, Mel! Thanks for reading and submitting and being bitchy enough to enter our contest. You rock, we love you, etc. etc.

That was fun! Stay tuned for more contests in the future.

#200

Listen, we all love Australia. Right? Right. So then why is Alex being such a douche about Australia??? And what does Hector mean about the definition of a drought? It's pretty clear! What is going on here?!

I'm frustrated, angry, and feeling alienated from my fellow man right now.

Oh, and a shout out to our submitter M!

#199

This entire post is from the desk of our reader, J. J writes:

Dear lovely, blogging, and mildly judgmental friends,

Of all of the annoying statuses I see every day, this ranks among the most embarrassing. Dearest Halie, complete with her strange, period-costume profile picture, is apparently attempting to convey her nonchalance regarding her ex's engagement by...telling the world how over it she is.

Good luck with that, Halie.

Also, I'm rooting for Pam - let's hope her "Ouch!" is directed at Halie for being an over-sharer and in denial.

Kisses,
J

Thank you for the eloquent submission, J. Keep up the good work, and I won't even have to write anymore. I'll just sit back, sip my tea, entertain the Duchess in the parlor, and take up croquet, which is what I feel like doing after reading your very proper, neat wordage. Love you!

#198

Usually when people want to boast about their celebrity sightings (because that makes them... cooler?) they usually slip it into the convo or at least add an interesting detail. Like, "OMG I was totally drinking a cosmo and SJP came up and ordered one too! No joke!" Or, "Next to Kathryn Heigl on the elliptical and she is literally working her ASS off." But Pamela cuts straight to the chase: she is on sighting numbers TWO and THREE -- that's ALL you need to know about Pamela to know that she's awesome.

She probably has some kind of point system, too, like maybe JT is 1400 points (editor's note: i have no idea who that is) and Jessica (editor's note: no idea) is 920. So she might be up to, like a kabillion points by now. But then again, as we all know, getting YSIAed is negative quatzillion points, so it looks like Pamela has some catching up to do. Tip for you, Pam: a Jesus sighting is infinite points. Let the searching begin. (Thanks for the submission, K!)

#197

Reading this status you might think that Senna is illiterate. I sure did. At first you think she hates how it's raining and sunny (something about her use of the word "bytch" and "f*ck," I guess) but then she calls it the "beautifullest thing eva." Color me confused.

But I'm thinking of her use of "bytch" and maybe it's like she's reclaiming the word for womankind. Like how gays took back the word "queer." Fyck! She's an intellectual.

#196

Really? Everything? Even your status and your profile picture?

Then I guess we agree on something...

#195

First of all, Corey, use your words. I'm positive that your newborn son is more eloquent than you... not that you'd know since you're not allowed to see him (I zinged him!). Secondly... yeah what a bitch, bein' all mean an' stuff just 'cause he cheated.

Thanks for the post Valerie W! And for the record, I totally agree Corey: i hat being in love withsome on what would love to kill u. You seem like a really good dady.

#194

Woah woah woah, part of Inglorious Basterds was in French and German?? I thought I just didn't understand it because it was nonlinear and violent!

As an aside, I guess that means you're in Europe. Subtle, Marcus. Subtle.

#193

Did you get that Vince? Don't piss off Nancy -- she's not fucking around. This is some SERIOUS shizz-nat. Our submitter, B, says "she's always 'wearing her heart on her sleeve' with some ambiguous type update... annoying!" Agreed.

As for you, Nancy... I'm not going to be glib about this. I'm going to be immature and mean. YOU HAVE BEEN YSIAed. (Pronounced Yeeeeee-seeaaahhheddddd!) That's Your. Status. Is. Annoying. Ed.

Another thing, Ms. Smartypants: I totally did not have to look up the word glib. (LIE!)

#192

Did you guys know that if you don't re-post a chain status you get back luck for 10 years? Also, if Obama cannot read my status (Really? B/c it's not like I privatize. I'm on Facebook for the celebrity.) does that mean that Padma can't read my status when I post "Bring back Mattin! if you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day." that she can't read it either?? That sucks!

#191

At first, I thought Bridget was over-sharing... I thought, "No one wants to know if you have a migraine." But then along came Beth, and well, she makes Bridget look down right secretive.

It almost makes you appreciate Twitter's character limit.

#190

Secrets, secrets, are no fun.
Secrets, secrets, hurt someone. make people want to punch you in the ovaries.
Especially if you're really annoying about them, like Tara is.

Tara isn't one of my friends, this was submitted to us (Thanks, J!). But I sort of want to friend Tara just so I can un-friend her. (Take That! Bee-yotch!) That would make me feel better about all this ridiculousness, anyway. But J, you shouldn't un-friend her. I bet she has tons of awful statuses, and you should definitely send them to us for our enjoyment. C'mon, take one for the team.

#189

Let me break this down for you...

#188

My guess? Alien Abduction + Full Lobe Lobotomy. Or wait... did you talk like this before? Then I have no idea. You're just an idiot. (Thanks for submitting, J!)

#187

Woah there, cowboy. Remember how when we catch our boyfriend fucking another guy and confront the piece of poo in a bar, we "take it outside"? Let's take this one outside, too. Facebook messages are totally private these days. And they won't -- like this wall post -- show up on hundreds of update feeds. Because while it's admirable to want to expose your cheating beau to everyone in Facebook Land, it's almost not worth it when you have to admit you don't know how to delete your Facebook friends.

But if you're voyeuristic at all, enjoy drama, or regularly watch the Jerry Springer Show, you might be pretty happy to find this in your status update feed.

(Thanks for the submission, N!)

#186

This status is too easy to make fun of. WAY too easy. Instead of ripping on Shae, I'll say this: David, you're hired.

#185

As sure as taxes and death, there are two things people at your office are guaranteed to talk about: their kids and their colds. Both of which are boring. A couple times a year "something is going around," and in the five minutes before a meeting starts or hijacked on your way to the coffee pot someone inevitably tells you about their perilous road to breathing through both nostrils. Then you're forced to look sad for them while someone else makes a joke about not wanting to catch the germs. Best of all, "Don't get me sick! I've got kids!" (True story.)

People are crazy on Facebook, but at least it's mildly interesting. This just makes me feel dead inside.

#184

I'd shit all over Katie, too, if she was my mom. Can someone please call Child Services? This woman is a maniac. Also, y'all totally have my permission to just shoot me if I ever act like this when I'm a mom.

#183

Still can't decide whether or not anyone cares what you are for halloween... still torn between oh no wait, I've decided. No one cares.

Just because you're allowed to put in on facebook doesn't mean you should.

#182

Yeah, Teri. We put you in ISRAEL so we wouldn't have to put up with your shit anymore. So stop trying to annoy the hell out of us from halfway across the world. And we know it's your birthday. Facebook told us. Wait, it's not even your real birthday yet? If I send you some goddam flowers, will you stop talking?

(Thanks for the submission, K!)

Enter the Your Status is Annoying Snark Off!

Dear pals,

Y'all are cordially invited to participate in the your status is annoying first-ever SNARK OFF. If Emily's update annoys you, e-mail your wittiest, most hilarious comment ABOUT HER STATUS UPDATE to yourstatusisannoying@gmail.com. The person who rips this shit to shreds with style will win a $15 iTunes gift card. (So don't forget to include your mailing address when you send us your comment.) Do it now! You have until Wednesday, September 23.

A few tips: Being mean is really easy. Be smart. And often the funniest comment isn't the first thing that comes to mind when you read the update, it's the second or third.

And if nobody enters, then I'm just going to spend the $15 on a bunch of Kanye West songs. How could you beeee so heartlessssss?

#181

Terms of use violation! Soliciting back massage on Facebook?? Is this kind of like saying, "Come and get it boys?" I think it is.

#180

There are so many things wrong with this. As I have in the past, I will conveniently list out said offenses for you now.

1. If you're putting the total cost on the tip line, than you aren't nearly doubling your tab, you are literally doubling it. 16+16=16 doubled.

2. Don't parade your dumb-ass life mistakes around facebook. It's not cute and quirky... its dumb-ass.

3. Maybe if you spent less time at the bar and more time doing anything else, you wouldn't make such mistakes.

#179

Every time I see a lame status update, I am reminded of the classic hit "Number One Stunna", featuring Birdman, Lil Wayne, Turk And Juvenile:




Except I replace, in my mind, the words "Number One Stunna" with the words "Number One Douuuuchebaaaggg!" (WHAT? What What WHAT?)

But my search for The Number One Douchebag is over. Our Submitter K (THANKS!!) found him:

#178

Woah there, Lisa. There's no reason to take your spam so seriously. Google mail has an excellent filter that arranges things so that I never have to lay eyes on a penis enhancement email.

And you're not exactly the target demographic for the television ads, despite the fact that your fury over "HUGE difference" and "NO RISK" might indicate you've been burned by this false advertising before. As the young and virile woman that we're sure you are, you should stick to getting angry about lame birth control or yogurt commercials don't you think?

#177

So over it.

I was at an event last night during the MTV Video Music Awards, and when I got out everyone was in a tizzy over the Kanye fiasco. Some people were wondering how the singer could have acted out like that. Others wondered what Beyonce thought of the ordeal. I was mostly wondering why the fuck anyone cares about what the hell Kanye West does on an MTV awards show.

This status and its TEN comments of glory were so excruciatingly painful, I spared you the details. Just believe me, they were more annoying than I care to share.

#176

You party animal, you! I didn't think it got much crazier than sitting in a room getting heckled by someone who gets paid to heckle people. And running into street musicians? How do you manage to do it all? But then you mention breaking Mta rules (and regulations.) Life. On. The. Wild. Side.

What were you doing, exactly? Not paying your fee? Destroying, soiling or tampering with property of the Authority? Obstructing the flow of traffic? Failing to relinquish a seat on a conveyance which has been designated as "Wheelchair Priority Seating"? Dumping garbage? Urinating? Occupying more than one seat?

Because those are the MTA Rules and Regulations. I looked them up. And breaking them sounds... not fun at all.

#175

Apparently Michael isn't the only one who finds out that his mom hates him via facebook...

Coty, maybe its because you look like a porn star in your picture. Moms don't want to see that. Just a thought.

#174

Our submitter A says, "I thought the best part of this was not only the uselessness of the post but the fact that 3 other people responded positively to this nonsense; rather than being annoyed by it. Do you think one can actually become immune to annoying statuses if you spend enough time on FB?"

A has a point, and I actually started to get worried. What is all this shit doing for my mental health? Am I going to lose my mind? Sara and her ridiculous, rhythmic chanting does not suppress the insanity. And then when Christopher, Duane, Robert and Peter seem to be supporting this nonsense, I really start feeling like I'm in the Twilight Zone. Why does this all remind me of the Milgram Experiment?

(Thanks, A!)

#173

Scott apparently has to make up for the fact that hes sitting in his room and breaking his diet by chowing down on some baked goods by using hardcore butch phrases like "pounding the shit out of them." Sorry Scott, just because you swore doesn't mean you're not a giant cookie-eating girl.

And Michael, I'm not convinced about your claims of "no homo." Put a shirt on, both of you.

#172

With the eighth anniversary of the tragic events of September 11th coming up this Friday, what better way to celebrate than with a facebook status about hijacked planes. Good one, Kate.

And Katrina, I think you need a tutorial on the "like" feature.

#171

You know what should go through your head when you almost get into a car accident doing something stupid? "Wow, that was a close one, I have to be more careful." I have had close calls too, but I always get down on my knees and thank God for saving my ass. Since when did drunk driving and texting while driving become cool? God doesn't have time to be saving everyones' stupid asses all over the place.

Most of the time when I see an annoying status I think, "she's not a bad person, she's just fallen victim to the ridiculousness of Facebook status updates." But I think this person is a bad person. A bad person with a pink slushy and a new Gucci purse.

(Thanks for the submission, R!)

#170

Well, which is it? Which genius mind creating this amazing piece of lady-liberating poetry — Marilyn Monroe or Sex and the City? I need to know so I can accurately attribute the quote in my diary.

Women are wild.

#169

This status is only annoying if you're Eric, and you have to find out via Facebook that your mother is an idiot who can't remember the date a melon-sized human shot out of her vag, and thinks a wall message is like a Genie with time traveling capabilities.

But if you're not Eric, this status is just hilarious. So thanks for sending it to us, J!

#168

Hey, Chris. Could you please get this bullshit off M's news feed? He is "fucking annoyed." He shouldn't have to suffer just because you like to waste your time taking tests that tell you you're quiet, shy, mature, and SEXY. (Thanks for the submission, M!)

#167

Since Katie is the only one who's ever been in another country, she's gonna be straight with us: America sucks, and it's nearly impossible to function in this God forsaken country when you're as cultured as she is. She was once as we are, but she has been abroad, and back, and boy, oh, boy. It's better on the other side. Too bad we're all too primitive to understand. That's the price you pay, Katie, for being so awesome. Sucks to be you.

#166

Elizabeth has actually offered some excellent advice. Cookies are delicious and hypochondriac Mel probably just needs to stay off Web MD. But notice that two people "like" that Mel might be dying. You really need to be confident in your likability before you go posting things like this people. No "John Stamos spit in my face!" (like!) or "I just fell down the stairs :(" (like!). The truth hurts.

#165

Yes, that is indeed what "virtually painless" means -- it's sort of self evident -- and I guess you're making a joke ("lol") but it kind of sounds like you were conned into something really bad. Like with contraptions or a glass box or something. What is it??

On second thought... does it have to do with working out?

#164

Ready for the Pink Headache Train? I am always skeptical when someone is this optimistic about everything. Who are they trying to prove their happiness to? Why must we all know about it?

Sarah reminds me of Pollyanna, and I always suspected that there was an alternate ending in that movie where the entire town hunts the optimistic little blonde sprite down and gives her a good ass whooping because they're so sick of her "everything makes me glad" bullshit. I'm thinking that might happen to Sarah -- her friends seem to be on to her.

Sometimes people are optimistic and it makes me want to be a better person. But I vomited twelve times when I was reading these submitted statuses (Thanks, C!!). Do you think Sarah could find something AMAZE about that?