#163

TRUE. But who whines about shit like this?

Imagine yourself sitting down for some Tex-Mex with your friends and this is the story you lead with while you're waiting for your fajitas: "You guys, yesterday I was totally about to cook some tikka masala recipe that I got from the Barefoot Contessa and so I went to Whole Foods and bought some organic curry powder but guess what? It was totally bland! Ugh!"

If you wouldn't say it in real life (and let's hope you wouldn't), don't say it at all.

#162

Wow, if busyness is any sign of how awesome you are, then Bryan is super-de-duperly awesome!

But it's not. So that means Bryan is just an enormous tool face.

IN CASE we were to think he wasn't invited to parties (PLURAL), in CASE we were to believe that he would only get ONE lovely drink with Robert, in CASE we were to think he would only dance for a a FEW hours into the night, in CASE we were to think he has doesn't have church priorities and things to do, Bryan has clarified this for us.

This has got to me one of MY least favorite flavors of annoying statuses. We're dancin' and drinkin', too, Bryan. We just aren't full of ourselves enough to brag about it.

And a note to Cricket: stop egging Bryan on. This kind of behavior should not be encouraged. (Thanks for the submission, K!)

#161

Gym/exercise related announcements are nothing new on this site. However, typically our hot-bodied gym babes are ladies... Stephen is here to change all that.

Whenever I trek to the gym and have an existential crisis regarding which appendage to work out in conjunction with my back, my instinctual reaction is definitely to inform my facebook friends about said crisis. So... thanks for that Stephen.

#160

Ok so I understand that this status and all of its complexities are a little confusing, so I will address each individual party individually. You're welcome in advance.

Christopher: What the hell are you talking about? And why are you wearing a pirate hat? And when did you and "today" start getting so intimate, what with the dick sucking and all?

Joe: There is this new thing on facebook called a WALL. Use it appropriately.

Christy: No one thinks you're cool because you, too, made a drug reference.

'Aunt Nan': If you look at your nephew's facebook status and it alludes simultaneously to marijuana and fellatio, DO NOT comment.

#159

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE TODAY!?!? Thank GOD! Your Facebook status updates were really starting to annoy me. Finally, and end to the madness!

Oh, wait, what? OHHHHHH. Ummm, sure I guess I might be a little bummed for awhile.

(Thanks for the submission, M!)

#158

Your facebook status should never be a trilogy, folks. This isn't Back to the Future.

#157

Walter figures if Heath keeps updating his status' at different times, I will annihilate him... Anyone on here with me?

Note: I shouldn't be surprised by this, Heath has a history of posting about stuff no one cares about.