your status is annoying

We Moved!

2009-11-02T14:07:00.001-05:00

The hilarities continue - we moved to a dot com!

http://www.yourstatusisannoying.com

Like, The Hugest News Ever, Probably.

2009-10-19T11:31:00.002-04:00

UMMMM... you guys are missing the party. Now it's over here on yourstatusisannoying.com. We did this for you lazy readers who were tired of taking the time to add that extra "blogspot" to the URL. YOU'RE WELCOME! Now to go the new site, send us some new annoying status updates, and let's have fun and make it greater than ever. Feedback is greatly appreciated!

XOXO

#222

2009-10-19T11:28:00.000-04:00

Part of the reason I loved this submission was that our submitter, C (THANKS!) titled the e-mail “Holy Shit” and prefaced it by saying, “I need brain bleach. Check out this make-you-throw-up-in-your-mouth post.” There’s nothing like starting your week with a “Holy-Shit-Brain-Bleach-Throw-Up-In-Your-Mouth” e-mail. I was excited to spread the love.

C also attached a photo of Iris, which makes this whole thing even more barf-worthy:

New rule: if you’re going to make pussy/vag references in your status updates, you must be at least a total babe and practically naked. No Golden Girls need apply.

#221

2009-10-16T11:00:00.004-04:00

I sort of hope that the "stupid little girl" in question is not Elinor's daughter. I mean, how "little" are we talking? And is that in reference to her size or her age? Mind you, I don't think it's very nice to slander little people OR children.

I think we can ALL agree that Elinor should somehow smelt her anger (?).

Thanks for the submission!

#220

2009-10-15T11:37:00.002-04:00

Did Ankur become a doctor just so he could brag to his friends about cardiology? I hope he doesn't get laid for this. There is so much wrong with this status I don't really know what to say. So I'm relaying a message from our submitter, K (thanks! xoxo):

So ankur....ugh. does he have to update his status about every milestone in life? what's next? currently screwing my trophy wife...badass? grosssssssssssssssss.

Word.

#219

2009-10-14T14:34:00.000-04:00

We know that Emily is obsessed with the gym, but she's really jumped the shark. I'm not your momma but girl, keep that white upper thigh to yourself.

Maybe I'm just upset because I'm not making as much progress as Emily. I've totally plateaued. But then again, I look like this.

#218

2009-10-14T12:01:00.000-04:00

I thought it was bad when Lauren got six comments about her dead pet, but 26? Really? Will we never learn NOT to update our status' about dead animals?

And just to annoy Samantha... click here!

#217

2009-10-13T12:22:00.002-04:00

I woke up to this in my In-Box, with the following note attached:

Oh Exalted One:

You may be blazing the trail to Facebook salvation, but you just took 2 steps backward. I bet you still have a Myspace page.

Love and Kisses,
Samantha

Now, I've always known that I love Annoying Status Call Outs, but the question is: do I love it when someone calls me out on my own blog? The answer is yes, yes I do. Thanks for being such a smart-ass bitch, "Samantha."

#216

2009-10-13T12:17:00.000-04:00

I think you're confusing the words "dying" and "annoying."

#215

2009-10-12T08:39:00.003-04:00

Please consult this young lady for all your geography/lesbian questions. She seems to have graduated from some sort of genius academy. Before this update was submitted to us, (thanks, A!), I didn't know Lesbos was a country in Greece, either!!!! But I'm sure she's right.)

#214

2009-10-09T10:49:00.004-04:00

Get ready y'all, it's time for a FACEBOOK MONTAGE! That's right, whenever something so kick-ass or heinous happens and rocks your news feed like a computer virus that just won't quit, we report on it - nay - we MONTAGE it.

Here we have a small sampling of folks with a mixed reaction to the news that President Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize. While Kelly, clearly an avid peace-maker herself, is frustrated with the decision, Mark questions how this decision will affect Obama's adversaries. Jaymeeeeeeeee is just pissed that her girl Oprah lost (again!).

Me? I'm just happy that all these intelligent and independent thinkers have given me something to MONTAGE about.

#213

2009-10-09T09:31:00.002-04:00

This status update has it all. Emily kicks off the conversation with a completely inane statement, followed by way too many !!!!!s, she gets schooled by Sarah, Dad brings down the mood with some threatening remarks, Darius adds some comic relief, and Dad even jumps back in for some slightly inappropriate banter. I laughed, I cried, I popped off some stains in tha back seat. (?)

(I actually pulled this from thefrisky.com. Hope that's okay, Frisky! Thanks!)

#212

2009-10-08T13:31:00.003-04:00

Submitter, A., writes "Its like we get it, your phone gets the internet. Welcome to five years ago." I couldn't have said it better myself. Maybe Joseph and Steve need to start hanging out in 2004.

Also, don't forget to become a fan on facebook. I die a little inside every time you don't... so, you don't want that on your conscience. Click here to become a fan!

#211

2009-10-08T09:41:00.002-04:00

Thanks for facilitating this captivating conversation, Rosie. Your grasp of Canadian culture is remarkably astute, and your sage commentary proves you are wise beyond your years. When's the book coming out?

#210

2009-10-07T08:34:00.000-04:00

Why does love always feel like a battlefield? A battlefield! A battlefield! I guess you better go get your armor (get your armor!), get your armor.

#209

2009-10-06T15:42:00.002-04:00

Somebody get this girl a diary, fast. One with a lock on it. That way, Stephanie can keep on having her mind-boggling ephiphanies and nobody has to be subjected to them. Since this was submitted to us (Thank you kindly, J!) I have no idea how many more things Stephanie learned today. Clicking on "Read More" would probably have been a huge mistake.

#208

2009-10-06T12:05:00.002-04:00

This is more-so embarrassing than annoying, but really it's both, so I posted it anyway. Not only is Ashley (who is in her mid-twenties) so dedicated to facebook's FarmVille that she writes a desperate status about it, but she also both "liked" and commented on her own FarmVille-centric status. Awesome.

Also note: become a fan of YSIA on facebook NOW... and tell your friends. Because I can't tell my friends. Because I make fun of all my friends here.

#207

2009-10-05T16:11:00.003-04:00

Really? Well if you see her can you tell her nobody cares? She seems to be under the impression that writing her own status in the third person will make it seem less stupid. But she is wrong. (We KNOW how this status update thing works, Rosie. We KNOW it's you typing. Stop acting like you have an auto-biographer documenting your every AWESOME move.)

(Thanks to the submitter, K!)

HUGE NEWS - we're on facebook!

2009-10-05T12:57:00.003-04:00

Ok, so there is this new website I just found that I thought you all might love. Its called facebook.com (formerly thefacebook.com).

I know what you're thinking... it sounds exciting, right? Well it is.

Even more exciting? We're on it! So you had better become a facebook fan of Your Status is Annoying (YSIA), or we're going to put your status' on our site. Just kidding, we'll do that either way. But seriously, become a fan. We have zero right now. So GO DO IT!

#206

2009-10-05T12:34:00.003-04:00

Perhaps this should have read "My bouquet of fruit AND BEAR from my hubby."

Unless, of course, the fruit is from both your hubby and from bear... in which case, I'm pretty pissed because bear got me nothing for my birthday this year.

#205

2009-10-02T14:37:00.004-04:00

This is amazing. This is like art imitating life imitating art imitating dumb-ass status' imitating awesome-ness. We need more of this, stat.

Thanks to Em for the submission, and to Callan for owning up to his YSIA qualifications.

#204

2009-10-02T13:19:00.002-04:00

I've thought about it: The only thing that would annoy me more than hearing two people in the battle of Who-Loves-Who-More is if they each were to sit on one of my knees and start making out in my lap.

Christina has already managed to soil my status update feed with her unbearable telephone conversation, so I wouldn't be surprised if she found out some way to subject me to watching her and her boyfriend in some serious PDA on my status feed, too.

#203

2009-10-01T14:25:00.002-04:00

My reaction upon reading this post:

"Oh, Gawd!" Turn away in horror

I am anti-hernia, I am anti-hearing-about-anyone's-hernia and as hard as you've tried throughout your lifetime John, you have rendered yourself un-datable with this status alone.

Disclaimer: for those of you who want to Google hernia, do not do it at work. The resulting images are NSFW.

#202

2009-10-01T09:44:00.000-04:00

Keep this shit on Twitter.

#201

2009-09-30T09:27:00.005-04:00

"Are you quite finished? Or shall I fetch my Stradivarius?" --William F. Buckley

Think this kind of "How do people do it?" thing, and you are an asshole. Say it outloud, and you're a rude asshole. Write it in your status update, and you're a rude, annoying, asshole. You're three for three, Joseph!
(Thanks for the submission, J!)

SNARK OFF WINNER!

2009-09-30T09:06:00.002-04:00

Thanks for playing, guys! We were truly moved to tears by the beautiful comments our bomb-ass readers submitted. You're all winners!

Well, only one of you gets the GRAND, MO-FO of a prize: the $15 iTunes gift card. So let's give it up for MEL, who had this to say about Emily's annoying status update:

Hey! I wonder how many random boys would add you if you went topless?

Ha! Short, sweet, and biting -- it made us all laugh. Congrats, Mel! Thanks for reading and submitting and being bitchy enough to enter our contest. You rock, we love you, etc. etc.

That was fun! Stay tuned for more contests in the future.

#200

2009-09-29T20:49:00.001-04:00

Listen, we all love Australia. Right? Right. So then why is Alex being such a douche about Australia??? And what does Hector mean about the definition of a drought? It's pretty clear! What is going on here?!

I'm frustrated, angry, and feeling alienated from my fellow man right now.

Oh, and a shout out to our submitter M!

#199

2009-09-29T09:01:00.004-04:00

This entire post is from the desk of our reader, J. J writes:

Dear lovely, blogging, and mildly judgmental friends,

Of all of the annoying statuses I see every day, this ranks among the most embarrassing. Dearest Halie, complete with her strange, period-costume profile picture, is apparently attempting to convey her nonchalance regarding her ex's engagement by...telling the world how over it she is.

Good luck with that, Halie.

Also, I'm rooting for Pam - let's hope her "Ouch!" is directed at Halie for being an over-sharer and in denial.

Kisses,
J

Thank you for the eloquent submission, J. Keep up the good work, and I won't even have to write anymore. I'll just sit back, sip my tea, entertain the Duchess in the parlor, and take up croquet, which is what I feel like doing after reading your very proper, neat wordage. Love you!

#198

2009-09-28T09:06:00.003-04:00

Usually when people want to boast about their celebrity sightings (because that makes them... cooler?) they usually slip it into the convo or at least add an interesting detail. Like, "OMG I was totally drinking a cosmo and SJP came up and ordered one too! No joke!" Or, "Next to Kathryn Heigl on the elliptical and she is literally working her ASS off." But Pamela cuts straight to the chase: she is on sighting numbers TWO and THREE -- that's ALL you need to know about Pamela to know that she's awesome.

She probably has some kind of point system, too, like maybe JT is 1400 points (editor's note: i have no idea who that is) and Jessica (editor's note: no idea) is 920. So she might be up to, like a kabillion points by now. But then again, as we all know, getting YSIAed is negative quatzillion points, so it looks like Pamela has some catching up to do. Tip for you, Pam: a Jesus sighting is infinite points. Let the searching begin. (Thanks for the submission, K!)

#197

2009-09-28T08:11:00.000-04:00

Reading this status you might think that Senna is illiterate. I sure did. At first you think she hates how it's raining and sunny (something about her use of the word "bytch" and "f*ck," I guess) but then she calls it the "beautifullest thing eva." Color me confused.

But I'm thinking of her use of "bytch" and maybe it's like she's reclaiming the word for womankind. Like how gays took back the word "queer." Fyck! She's an intellectual.

#196

2009-09-25T14:33:00.001-04:00

Really? Everything? Even your status and your profile picture?

Then I guess we agree on something...

#195

2009-09-24T12:44:00.003-04:00

First of all, Corey, use your words. I'm positive that your newborn son is more eloquent than you... not that you'd know since you're not allowed to see him (I zinged him!). Secondly... yeah what a bitch, bein' all mean an' stuff just 'cause he cheated.

Thanks for the post Valerie W! And for the record, I totally agree Corey: i hat being in love withsome on what would love to kill u. You seem like a really good dady.

#194

2009-09-24T08:24:00.000-04:00

Woah woah woah, part of Inglorious Basterds was in French and German?? I thought I just didn't understand it because it was nonlinear and violent!

As an aside, I guess that means you're in Europe. Subtle, Marcus. Subtle.

#193

2009-09-23T15:52:00.005-04:00

Did you get that Vince? Don't piss off Nancy -- she's not fucking around. This is some SERIOUS shizz-nat. Our submitter, B, says "she's always 'wearing her heart on her sleeve' with some ambiguous type update... annoying!" Agreed.

As for you, Nancy... I'm not going to be glib about this. I'm going to be immature and mean. YOU HAVE BEEN YSIAed. (Pronounced Yeeeeee-seeaaahhheddddd!) That's Your. Status. Is. Annoying. Ed.

Another thing, Ms. Smartypants: I totally did not have to look up the word glib. (LIE!)

#192

2009-09-23T07:52:00.000-04:00

Did you guys know that if you don't re-post a chain status you get back luck for 10 years? Also, if Obama cannot read my status (Really? B/c it's not like I privatize. I'm on Facebook for the celebrity.) does that mean that Padma can't read my status when I post "Bring back Mattin! if you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day." that she can't read it either?? That sucks!

#191

2009-09-22T15:59:00.002-04:00

At first, I thought Bridget was over-sharing... I thought, "No one wants to know if you have a migraine." But then along came Beth, and well, she makes Bridget look down right secretive.

It almost makes you appreciate Twitter's character limit.

#190

2009-09-22T10:54:00.002-04:00

Secrets, secrets, are no fun.
Secrets, secrets, ~~hurt someone.~~ make people want to punch you in the ovaries.
Especially if you're really annoying about them, like Tara is.

Tara isn't one of my friends, this was submitted to us (Thanks, J!). But I sort of want to friend Tara just so I can un-friend her. (Take That! Bee-yotch!) That would make me feel better about all this ridiculousness, anyway. But J, you shouldn't un-friend her. I bet she has tons of awful statuses, and you should definitely send them to us for our enjoyment. C'mon, take one for the team.

#189

2009-09-21T12:23:00.004-04:00

Let me break this down for you...

#188

2009-09-21T10:32:00.005-04:00

My guess? Alien Abduction + Full Lobe Lobotomy. Or wait... did you talk like this before? Then I have no idea. You're just an idiot. (Thanks for submitting, J!)

#187

2009-09-18T14:16:00.003-04:00

Woah there, cowboy. Remember how when we catch our boyfriend fucking another guy and confront the piece of poo in a bar, we "take it outside"? Let's take this one outside, too. Facebook messages are totally private these days. And they won't -- like this wall post -- show up on hundreds of update feeds. Because while it's admirable to want to expose your cheating beau to everyone in Facebook Land, it's almost not worth it when you have to admit you don't know how to delete your Facebook friends.

But if you're voyeuristic at all, enjoy drama, or regularly watch the Jerry Springer Show, you might be pretty happy to find this in your status update feed.

(Thanks for the submission, N!)

#186

2009-09-18T14:12:00.000-04:00

This status is too easy to make fun of. WAY too easy. Instead of ripping on Shae, I'll say this: David, you're hired.

#185

2009-09-18T08:06:00.000-04:00

As sure as taxes and death, there are two things people at your office are guaranteed to talk about: their kids and their colds. Both of which are boring. A couple times a year "something is going around," and in the five minutes before a meeting starts or hijacked on your way to the coffee pot someone inevitably tells you about their perilous road to breathing through both nostrils. Then you're forced to look sad for them while someone else makes a joke about not wanting to catch the germs. Best of all, "Don't get me sick! I've got kids!" (True story.)

People are crazy on Facebook, but at least it's mildly interesting. This just makes me feel dead inside.

#184

2009-09-17T15:37:00.004-04:00

I'd shit all over Katie, too, if she was my mom. Can someone please call Child Services? This woman is a maniac. Also, y'all totally have my permission to just shoot me if I ever act like this when I'm a mom.

#183

2009-09-17T10:02:00.000-04:00

Still can't decide whether or not anyone cares what you are for halloween... still torn between oh no wait, I've decided. No one cares.

Just because you're allowed to put in on facebook doesn't mean you should.

#182

2009-09-16T13:38:00.006-04:00

Yeah, Teri. We put you in ISRAEL so we wouldn't have to put up with your shit anymore. So stop trying to annoy the hell out of us from halfway across the world. And we know it's your birthday. Facebook told us. Wait, it's not even your real birthday yet? If I send you some goddam flowers, will you stop talking?

(Thanks for the submission, K!)

Enter the Your Status is Annoying Snark Off!

2009-09-16T09:03:00.005-04:00

Dear pals,

Y'all are cordially invited to participate in the your status is annoying first-ever SNARK OFF. If Emily's update annoys you, e-mail your wittiest, most hilarious comment ABOUT HER STATUS UPDATE to yourstatusisannoying@gmail.com. The person who rips this shit to shreds with style will win a $15 iTunes gift card. (So don't forget to include your mailing address when you send us your comment.) Do it now! You have until Wednesday, September 23.

A few tips: Being mean is really easy. Be smart. And often the funniest comment isn't the first thing that comes to mind when you read the update, it's the second or third.

And if nobody enters, then I'm just going to spend the $15 on a bunch of Kanye West songs. How could you beeee so heartlessssss?

#181

2009-09-16T08:44:00.000-04:00

Terms of use violation! Soliciting back massage on Facebook?? Is this kind of like saying, "Come and get it boys?" I think it is.

#180

2009-09-15T11:54:00.003-04:00

There are so many things wrong with this. As I have in the past, I will conveniently list out said offenses for you now.

1. If you're putting the total cost on the tip line, than you aren't nearly doubling your tab, you are literally doubling it. 16+16=16 doubled.

2. Don't parade your dumb-ass life mistakes around facebook. It's not cute and quirky... its dumb-ass.

3. Maybe if you spent less time at the bar and more time doing anything else, you wouldn't make such mistakes.

#179

2009-09-15T10:36:00.003-04:00

Every time I see a lame status update, I am reminded of the classic hit "Number One Stunna", featuring Birdman, Lil Wayne, Turk And Juvenile:

Except I replace, in my mind, the words "Number One Stunna" with the words "Number One Douuuuchebaaaggg!" (WHAT? What What WHAT?)

But my search for The Number One Douchebag is over. Our Submitter K (THANKS!!) found him:

#178

2009-09-15T07:32:00.000-04:00

Woah there, Lisa. There's no reason to take your spam so seriously. Google mail has an excellent filter that arranges things so that I never have to lay eyes on a penis enhancement email.

And you're not exactly the target demographic for the television ads, despite the fact that your fury over "HUGE difference" and "NO RISK" might indicate you've been burned by this false advertising before. As the young and virile woman that we're sure you are, you should stick to getting angry about lame birth control or yogurt commercials don't you think?

#177

2009-09-14T14:51:00.003-04:00

So over it.

I was at an event last night during the MTV Video Music Awards, and when I got out everyone was in a tizzy over the Kanye fiasco. Some people were wondering how the singer could have acted out like that. Others wondered what Beyonce thought of the ordeal. I was mostly wondering why the fuck anyone cares about what the hell Kanye West does on an MTV awards show.

This status and its TEN comments of glory were so excruciatingly painful, I spared you the details. Just believe me, they were more annoying than I care to share.

#176

2009-09-11T12:05:00.003-04:00

You party animal, you! I didn't think it got much crazier than sitting in a room getting heckled by someone who gets paid to heckle people. And running into street musicians? How do you manage to do it all? But then you mention breaking Mta rules (and regulations.) Life. On. The. Wild. Side.

What were you doing, exactly? Not paying your fee? Destroying, soiling or tampering with property of the Authority? Obstructing the flow of traffic? Failing to relinquish a seat on a conveyance which has been designated as "Wheelchair Priority Seating"? Dumping garbage? Urinating? Occupying more than one seat?

Because those are the MTA Rules and Regulations. I looked them up. And breaking them sounds... not fun at all.

#175

2009-09-11T11:54:00.000-04:00

Apparently Michael isn't the only one who finds out that his mom hates him via facebook...

Coty, maybe its because you look like a porn star in your picture. Moms don't want to see that. Just a thought.

#174

2009-09-10T11:46:00.001-04:00

Our submitter A says, "I thought the best part of this was not only the uselessness of the post but the fact that 3 other people responded positively to this nonsense; rather than being annoyed by it. Do you think one can actually become immune to annoying statuses if you spend enough time on FB?"

A has a point, and I actually started to get worried. What is all this shit doing for my mental health? Am I going to lose my mind? Sara and her ridiculous, rhythmic chanting does not suppress the insanity. And then when Christopher, Duane, Robert and Peter seem to be supporting this nonsense, I really start feeling like I'm in the Twilight Zone. Why does this all remind me of the Milgram Experiment?

(Thanks, A!)

#173

2009-09-10T11:39:00.002-04:00

Scott apparently has to make up for the fact that hes sitting in his room and breaking his diet by chowing down on some baked goods by using hardcore butch phrases like "pounding the shit out of them." Sorry Scott, just because you swore doesn't mean you're not a giant cookie-eating girl.

And Michael, I'm not convinced about your claims of "no homo." Put a shirt on, both of you.

#172

2009-09-09T18:16:00.003-04:00

With the eighth anniversary of the tragic events of September 11th coming up this Friday, what better way to celebrate than with a facebook status about hijacked planes. Good one, Kate.

And Katrina, I think you need a tutorial on the "like" feature.

#171

2009-09-09T10:41:00.004-04:00

You know what should go through your head when you almost get into a car accident doing something stupid? "Wow, that was a close one, I have to be more careful." I have had close calls too, but I always get down on my knees and thank God for saving my ass. Since when did drunk driving and texting while driving become cool? God doesn't have time to be saving everyones' stupid asses all over the place.

Most of the time when I see an annoying status I think, "she's not a bad person, she's just fallen victim to the ridiculousness of Facebook status updates." But I think this person is a bad person. A bad person with a pink slushy and a new Gucci purse.

(Thanks for the submission, R!)

#170

2009-09-08T15:27:00.004-04:00

Well, which is it? Which genius mind creating this amazing piece of lady-liberating poetry — Marilyn Monroe or Sex and the City? I need to know so I can accurately attribute the quote in my diary.

Women are wild.

#169

2009-09-08T09:49:00.002-04:00

This status is only annoying if you're Eric, and you have to find out via Facebook that your mother is an idiot who can't remember the date a melon-sized human shot out of her vag, and thinks a wall message is like a Genie with time traveling capabilities.

But if you're not Eric, this status is just hilarious. So thanks for sending it to us, J!

#168

2009-09-04T11:16:00.003-04:00

Hey, Chris. Could you please get this bullshit off M's news feed? He is "fucking annoyed." He shouldn't have to suffer just because you like to waste your time taking tests that tell you you're quiet, shy, mature, and SEXY. (Thanks for the submission, M!)

#167

2009-09-03T11:42:00.002-04:00

Since Katie is the only one who's ever been in another country, she's gonna be straight with us: America sucks, and it's nearly impossible to function in this God forsaken country when you're as cultured as she is. She was once as we are, but she has been abroad, and back, and boy, oh, boy. It's better on the other side. Too bad we're all too primitive to understand. That's the price you pay, Katie, for being so awesome. Sucks to be you.

#166

2009-09-03T08:16:00.001-04:00

Elizabeth has actually offered some excellent advice. Cookies are delicious and hypochondriac Mel probably just needs to stay off Web MD. But notice that two people "like" that Mel might be dying. You really need to be confident in your likability before you go posting things like this people. No "John Stamos spit in my face!" (like!) or "I just fell down the stairs :(" (like!). The truth hurts.

#165

2009-09-02T23:11:00.003-04:00

Yes, that is indeed what "virtually painless" means -- it's sort of self evident -- and I guess you're making a joke ("lol") but it kind of sounds like you were conned into something really bad. Like with contraptions or a glass box or something. What is it??

On second thought... does it have to do with working out?

#164

2009-09-02T09:13:00.015-04:00

Ready for the Pink Headache Train? I am always skeptical when someone is this optimistic about everything. Who are they trying to prove their happiness to? Why must we all know about it?

Sarah reminds me of Pollyanna, and I always suspected that there was an alternate ending in that movie where the entire town hunts the optimistic little blonde sprite down and gives her a good ass whooping because they're so sick of her "everything makes me glad" bullshit. I'm thinking that might happen to Sarah -- her friends seem to be on to her.

Sometimes people are optimistic and it makes me want to be a better person. But I vomited twelve times when I was reading these submitted statuses (Thanks, C!!). Do you think Sarah could find something AMAZE about that?

#163

2009-09-01T08:30:00.000-04:00

TRUE. But who whines about shit like this?

Imagine yourself sitting down for some Tex-Mex with your friends and this is the story you lead with while you're waiting for your fajitas: "You guys, yesterday I was totally about to cook some tikka masala recipe that I got from the Barefoot Contessa and so I went to Whole Foods and bought some organic curry powder but guess what? It was totally bland! Ugh!"

If you wouldn't say it in real life (and let's hope you wouldn't), don't say it at all.

#162

2009-08-31T12:26:00.003-04:00

Wow, if busyness is any sign of how awesome you are, then Bryan is super-de-duperly awesome!

But it's not. So that means Bryan is just an enormous tool face.

IN CASE we were to think he wasn't invited to parties (PLURAL), in CASE we were to believe that he would only get ONE lovely drink with Robert, in CASE we were to think he would only dance for a a FEW hours into the night, in CASE we were to think he has doesn't have church priorities and things to do, Bryan has clarified this for us.

This has got to me one of MY least favorite flavors of annoying statuses. We're dancin' and drinkin', too, Bryan. We just aren't full of ourselves enough to brag about it.

And a note to Cricket: stop egging Bryan on. This kind of behavior should not be encouraged. (Thanks for the submission, K!)

#161

2009-08-31T11:01:00.002-04:00

Gym/exercise related announcements are nothing new on this site. However, typically our hot-bodied gym babes are ladies... Stephen is here to change all that.

Whenever I trek to the gym and have an existential crisis regarding which appendage to work out in conjunction with my back, my instinctual reaction is definitely to inform my facebook friends about said crisis. So... thanks for that Stephen.

#160

2009-08-28T10:03:00.003-04:00

Ok so I understand that this status and all of its complexities are a little confusing, so I will address each individual party individually. You're welcome in advance.

Christopher: What the hell are you talking about? And why are you wearing a pirate hat? And when did you and "today" start getting so intimate, what with the dick sucking and all?

Joe: There is this new thing on facebook called a WALL. Use it appropriately.

Christy: No one thinks you're cool because you, too, made a drug reference.

'Aunt Nan': If you look at your nephew's facebook status and it alludes simultaneously to marijuana and fellatio, DO NOT comment.

#159

2009-08-27T16:23:00.004-04:00

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE TODAY!?!? Thank GOD! Your Facebook status updates were really starting to annoy me. Finally, and end to the madness!

Oh, wait, what? OHHHHHH. Ummm, sure I guess I might be a little bummed for awhile.

(Thanks for the submission, M!)

#158

2009-08-27T10:52:00.003-04:00

Your facebook status should never be a trilogy, folks. This isn't Back to the Future.

#157

2009-08-26T12:56:00.004-04:00

Walter figures if Heath keeps updating his status' at different times, I will annihilate him... Anyone on here with me?

Note: I shouldn't be surprised by this, Heath has a history of posting about stuff no one cares about.

#156

2009-08-26T12:23:00.003-04:00

The key to success is to find out what motivatesz you in lyff, tell a bunch of bytchesz to fuck off, nd do yr tingg.

Fortunately for Exquisite, grammar isn't important in this conquest. Neither is a sufficient use of vowels. Don't know how to type? No problem! Just do what Exquisite does and drag your forehead across the keyboard while thinking of the words you'd like to communicate, were you fluent in the English language. Works for her, bytchesz!

(Thanks for the submission, A! We love you!)

#155

2009-08-25T13:14:00.004-04:00

I used to be a swim lessons instructor and one time a bunch of my little kids were being all bad annoying and running all over the place and not listening to me. There was nothing I could do, and I didn't really care, so I let them run amok.

Then Shirley pooped on the slide.

That is when I realized we had a problem. So we had to all gather round and have a little chat about good behavior.

I felt the exact way when I saw this post. I mean, I see annoying statuses all the time. But this one for some reason stopped me.

Gather round, kids, it's time for a little chat. Shirley pooped on the slide. I mean, Kate has broken the "most inane status update" record, and things can only go downhill from here.

WHAT IS THE POINT of status updates again? I think we've all forgotten, if we ever knew in the first place.

This was a great reader submission (THANKS, L!) It was so great that it makes me want more. Send us more, guys!

#154

2009-08-24T15:07:00.003-04:00

Ummm... Tracy thought she was writing a personal message to her one night stand. But she was actually writing a status update. This technically does not belong on this blog. This update KICKS ASS.

But for the fist time ever, Walter is speechless.

#153

2009-08-24T10:04:00.003-04:00

So wait, I'm dreaming from yesterday? Or living? And I die tomorrow? What? I AM DRUNK RIGHT NOW! I can't be expected to understand this nonsense. NEXT!

#152

2009-08-21T12:07:00.003-04:00

The rumors are true. Gabriel is back and ready for more. We all thought (hoped) that the lil' self-loathing and sappy son-of-a-bitch would back off once the break-up storm settled, but no.

At least when Gabriel was whining incessantly about his break-up, I understood what he was talking about. Now all I can gather from his status is that he kind of sucks, but if you fall on top of him his body can break the fall (?).

I think Honda summed up all of our feelings with his comment.

#151

2009-08-21T08:57:00.001-04:00

Our anonymous submitter asks, "Doesn't the Italian chateau you ceaselessly post about have air conditioning? It must. Or! Wait! Was this a clever little attempt to subtly remind us without ACTUALLY reminding us that you've married a professional athlete and you're living off his paycheques in Europe?"

Life is tough when your friends are too stupid to realize they should be in awe of you. How else are you to find pleasure in life if you can't get the praise you deserve?

#150

2009-08-20T12:10:00.002-04:00

We like Kyle because he is an asshole. And I mean that in the best way possible. Some people may have read Ashley's status and thought, "annnnnoyyyinnnnggggggggg..." and then continued with their day. But not Kyle -- he doesn't let this shit fly and is all up in Ashley's business.

I love it when people make dumb announcements but then "don't want to go into details." You brought it up. Not us. Frankly, my dear, we actually don't give a damn.

Thanks for the submission, Kyle. We heart you. Now come on, y'all! Send us more annoying status updates. We know you got some!

#149

2009-08-19T14:31:00.004-04:00

Sorry this is so difficult to read. The content of the message is unimportant. You only need to see the part where Joe says, "MY BDAY IS TOMORROW!" And then will not. shut. up. about it. (And in some sort of sick Facebook malfunction, his first post kept on repeating itself on my update feed. By the end of the day, I wanted to give Joe a birthday punch in the ball sack.)

I hope to continue receiving quarterly updates on Joe's birthday status. ("I'M 24 3/4 TOMORROW!") Because you know that's the kind of guy Joe is.

Instead of ball sack socking Joe, let's send warm birthday smoochies to Tex, a part of the Walter triumvirate. Because it is her birthday TODAY. And THAT, my friends, is something I actually give a damn about.

#148

2009-08-19T09:32:00.000-04:00

Did anyone ask?

#147

2009-08-18T15:09:00.006-04:00

LOLjk no forealz, k? BRB. WUT?

Woah, check out Ms. Intern-pants over here. There are three reactions to an update like this:

1) I don't GIVE A SHIT.
2) I have been working my ass off to get an internship and now I FEEL LIKE SHIT.
3) Jaime, you're THE SHIT. (This is pretty much only Ryan, and possibly Jaimie's mom.)

Shit!

But trust me, I am equally shocked about this. I probably wouldn't hire this person as an intern if SHE paid ME.

#146

2009-08-18T11:41:00.003-04:00

So what you can't see about this post is that these two lil' spitfires have the same last name. That's right, they're brothers. Mom must be so proud.

"Mom, whats that thing where your sword is really hot and then the blood doesn't come out when someone is stabbed?"
"What?"
"That thing, where when your sword is like hot, you know, then you don't bleed."
"You mean like to cauterize?"
"Yeah! How do you spell that? No wait, I think I got it."

#145

2009-08-18T08:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes after I've looked at the three profiles on Facebook that I still care about, I still need to waste more time on the Internet. That's usually when I start looking at the profiles of hot people. I flip through the pictures of them in bikinis with their sexy significant others, where they're kissing and telling each other they're hot until I feel very dissatisfied with my life. It's just this thing that I do.

I get the feeling that Kelly sometimes feels dissatisfied with her life too, or did before she found true luv. I can tell because she can't stop talking about her boyfriend -- yes, it has the opposite effect as intended. I'm smelling the reek of overcompensation here.

#144

2009-08-17T15:37:00.002-04:00

Okay, my bad for continuing to read a sentence that starts out with: "WOW According to my horoscope..." But Ysabel's bad for wasting 10 seconds of my life with this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad joke. Also, where the fuck did she get this horoscope? From some crazy person off the street? Anyway, I wouldn't be joking about not being able to make paper plans and shoebox dioramas, because that makes you sound (even more) absolutely retarded. Time to go back to kindergarten!

#143

2009-08-17T07:14:00.001-04:00

Looks like someone is on the road to self-improvement! Also on your to-do list, maybe read more Barnes and Noble Classics and get hair extensions? Frankly Liz, I don't know why you're asking about the languages. Everybody knows that skinny French girls are the most chic and desirable (duh) and if you were really trying to impress, you should have skipped this status and gone ahead and written in a language none of your friends can understand. That's how the pros do it anyway.

#142

2009-08-14T11:12:00.003-04:00

Have you ever written a totally annoying facebook status and then asked yourself why you were so goddamn annoying all the time and then posted the status anyway?

That's what we're ALL asking ourselves right now, Mark.

#141

2009-08-13T13:49:00.003-04:00

This status is not annoying. It is beautiful. And uplifting.

It should give us all pride and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Pride and hope that, yes, EVEN RETARDED PEOPLE can post status updates that people will like.

#140

2009-08-13T13:29:00.004-04:00

Autumn, these are mixed messages. First you enthusiastically proclaim the mass number of friend requests you have received (note the exclamation point!). Then you make a mediocre face after not knowing all of them :-/. Which is it? Are you pleased or displeased?

This also marks the first post of a brand new category of annoying status, the celebri-status. In case you haven't already realized, Autumn was briefly on one of the classiest shows on TV. Her fame is still reeling in the facebook friends, apparently.

And Gerald, while I applaud your facebook call-out, can we perhaps think of a snarky response that wasn't originally produced on the 4th grade school bus?

Thanks for the submission!

#139

2009-08-12T17:32:00.003-04:00

Not sure I'm with you. Are you surprised that they have tequila in Ireland? I have been to Ireland, and I was under the impression that the Irish are undiscriminating in their love of alcohol, and that they basically use it as a multivitamin. If you're saying you're drinking the entire Irish population under the table, I'd say that's NOT FUNNY and possibly problematic. Intervention! Intervention!

#138

2009-08-11T13:22:00.005-04:00

You should totally go announce it to everyone with a status update. That'll do the job.

This was a submitted status (THANKS!!), so I'm not sure what Brenna's other posts are like, but we can only imagine:

#137

2009-08-10T22:12:00.003-04:00

Now whose milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard? La la la-la-la. Warm it up.

#136

2009-08-10T09:38:00.002-04:00

Since I saw this post, I have been basically glued to my computer screen awaiting the genius that is sure to be Random Thought #3. Don't underestimate yourself, Sean. That shit's not random. That shit's DEEP.

Back to my REGULAR life, now -- the one where I don't dabble in love. (If only!) I more like, gorge. I'm a gorger. Then I purge. And then I sit around waiting for Random Thought #3.

#135

2009-08-07T18:21:00.003-04:00

Just a note to my friends and family: Please don't dedicate any Tim McGraw songs to me when I die. In fact, don't dedicate any songs to me at all. Don't write a farewell message on my Facebook wall and don't create a Facebook group for me. Just wear black to my funeral and eat some casserole at the buffet afterwards like tradition and good taste dictate.

#134

2009-08-05T17:39:00.000-04:00

Oliver is so democratic. It's very inspiring.

I think we should start doing everything by vote. Every time you're thinking about taking a nap, eating a bagel, or straight chilling let the rest of us know so we can decide for you. Not only is it boring, it's interactive!

#133

2009-08-05T10:17:00.005-04:00

Sheri: I love cherries.

Meg: Oh yea? Well I eat them every day.

Sheri: Oh yea? Well I eat other fruit, too and that's ALL I EAT.

Meg: I'm President of Fruit Land.

Sheri: I invented fruit and I'm Czar of Fruit Planet.

Meg: My DNA is composed entirely of vitamins and fruit.

John: I love black cherry soda!

Meg: John, you are going to hell.

I don't think this conversation is over. Will John have a comeback? Will someone else join in on this fucking mind-blowingly ridunculous atrocity of a conversation? Unfortunately, I won't find out because this was a reader submission, (THANKS, L!) so I am left to dream about what will happen next. Any ideas?

#132

2009-08-05T09:57:00.005-04:00

What the hell? Was there some sort of memo that said quoting the character Brick from the movie Anchorman was funny again? At least Steve quoted it correctly.

That's what you get, Douglas, just for trying to "heart" diplomacy.

*Also note, I realize that this is actually an annoying comment, not status, but you can deal with it.

#131

2009-08-04T12:06:00.003-04:00

Could it be that Jill has cracked the facebook status code? Is it possible that Aaron and Tiffany will have to start turning to other devices for their passive-aggressive comments? Will facebook eliminate status' all together once they realize they're being used so annoyingly? Probably not.

Also, I think that Jill and this guy need to stop cramping my style.

#130

2009-08-04T09:35:00.003-04:00

Why was this in my update feed?

If this message was really intended for Lauren's husband, why didn't she post it on his wall? She obviously wanted everyone to see. Occasionally, I will see a post that wishes someone a happy birthday or congratulates someone on running a race or getting a new job or something, but that is different. That's giving someone props or a shout out for something they've done. If this is what Lauren was trying to do, she was giving props to her husband for being married to her, and I'm not sure that counts.

Also, Lauren: don't you, you know, live with your husband? So you could have, like, told him in person?

#129

2009-08-03T18:48:00.000-04:00

Paul and Sarah must be best friends. They have to band together you know, since they're really smart and everything. The rest of us average folks who laugh at fart jokes and eat at chain restaurants just can't keep up. Thanks Paul, for condescendingly recommending this movie to us!

#128

2009-08-03T09:56:00.002-04:00

Chris came. He saw. He conquered. New York City will never be the same.

That's what Chris seems to think, anyway, after eating food and getting about as much sleep as my Grandmother gets. You're right, Chris. That kind of fun is countless.

While this kind of party boy lifestyle may seem unfathomable to you, it's just any old epic weekend for Chris. Let's take a look at the definition of epic, shall we?:

ep⋅ic [ep-ik]

-adjective Also, ep⋅i⋅cal.

1.	noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style: Homer's Iliad is an epic poem.

2.	resembling or suggesting such poetry: an epic novel on the founding of the country.

3.	heroic; majestic; impressively great: the epic events of the war.

4.	of unusually great size or extent: a crime wave of epic proportions.

Heroic? Majestic? Impressively great? Go ahead and call yourself those things, Chris. Because nobody else will.